Day 17: Ten Sure Items to put on your happiness list

As an avid list maker, I have been scouring the net and my cadre of friends (this is very scientific) to determine the top ten things that will make you happy instantly .  Of course you realize that instant happiness is short lived but it'll do in a pinch when other methods seem to fail.

Happiness lists are abounding on the net , in books, on TV.  We seem, as an American culture, especially to be overwhelmed with happiness options.  There are so many to try, that there might not be time left to actually enjoy them.


We have bucket lists and things we must do before we leave NYC or this earth (take your pick).  We have places to see, toys to own, new smart phones to confuse us, men to enjoy; women to enjoy (you choose your poison.)


We are told of the countless ways to ensure happiness; to find happiness, and to solicit happiness from those around you.  So, then I ask, why aren't we all ridiculously  happy?


I figure that there must be a happiness quotient that someone has invented much like the BMI.  My son told me recently to examine my healthy weight by looking at my BMI (body mass index) rather than just reflecting on the bathroom scale.  There is a method to his madness in that, as a regular exerciser...runner, I am gaining muscle and losing fat (hopefully) and so my weight should be going up since muscle weighs more than fat, thank God; what a great excuse!


Also, I am in a special BMI category for 2 reasons: one, I am a woman and we have more body fat by design than men and two: I am in the older age category and we have more body fat (by design?) than those beings who are younger than we are.  


So we have special scales designed by sex, age, and some other important characteristics.  So I am thinking that maybe our happiness quotients should be designed in the same way.  As a result, here are my top ten fantasy items for a quick happiness fix:

1. My son calls me for no other reason that he wants to hear my voice and we speak about lovely ordinary things as if we were sitting side by side in a park (Very "Our Town" of me).
2. Joe, decides to make the bed in the morning, prepare a special dinner, do the dishes and bring me an after dinner drink, just because...
3. My credit card bill gets paid by an unknown but giving person who asks for nothing in return but a smile.
4. My health care bill doesn't go up for at least one year
5. Someone washes Zeffy, my poodle, and places him fluffily on my lap; no questions asked
6. My best friend calls me and asks how I am and invites me over for a quiet lunch
7. Someone pays me back the money I lent him years ago with interest.
8. The price of gas goes down to where it was when I went to college...for at least 3 months.
9. Gene Kelly asks me to dance (remember this is a fantasy);  Fred Astaire asks me to dance;
10. Cary Grant tells me I remind him of Deborah Kerr (if you don't know who she is, you probably shouldn't be reading this blog.)

Well most of these items are impossible I admit but a few of them have serious potential.  Let's hope someone who is reading this blog, sees himself as the answer to my happiness list and follows through,  wouldn't that be heaven.

Day 16: Test your happiness quotient here!!!

OK folks, watch out, because I have been researching happiness online and the results are not satisfying, at least to me.  It seems that true happiness may be out of our control or at least out of reach for some of us based on genetics.


Try this subjective happiness link: how happy are you?  (If the link doesn't work;  just cut and paste in your browser)


http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=4114608&page=1


*Studies show that 50% of individual differences in happiness are determined by genes, 10% by life circumstances, and 40% by our intentional activities according to a variety of experts in the field of happiness, (did you know there was such a field?)  Did you know that experts refer to the happiness quotient as a hedonic treadmill?  


What this theory says is first and foremost, you have a general level of happiness that no matter what happens to you, you return to this pre-established level after all types of events both good and bad; hence the treadmill concept.  In addition, the primary factor for establishing this happiness quotient is genetics which accounts for 50%, ouch; something else we can blame on our parents.


As you know I am a runner and I hate the treadmill; it's a road to nowhere and when you arrive, you have exercised, are sweaty, but you haven't traveled anywhere or have you?  Maybe this treadmill concept is more appropriate than I think.  Let's look at this,

1. You voluntarily get on the treadmill in exercising so you are self initiating which they say is a good factor leading to achievement which leads to happiness
2. You are building muscle; activating endorphins (which is a group of peptides produced in the brain that resembles opiates, nice) which also lead to happiness albeit a temporary temporal one
3. You are staying out of trouble by exercising alone; doing the right type of sweaty activtiy especially if you are engaged with a significant other and should only be sweating with him or no one else.
4. You are picking up potentially 50% of your happiness quotient by intentional activity (40%) and an extra 10% for life circumstance.  OK,  I am really making this part up but it sounds plausible.

In short, life is a treadmill for the most part; one in which most people hang their clothes on it in their bedrooms (I actually think they do that to hide the treadmill from sight so they don't feel guilty.)


Clean off that treadmill, get on, and see where it takes you on your journey to happiness.  If you end up in the same place you started, don't say I didn't tell you so.  Happiness is a quotient and you have a 50/50 chance to change it at least for today...unless your genetics tell you otherwise. I am going to exercise my right (too many puns today?) to control my 50%, how about you?

Day 15: The name game...Shirley, Shirley, Bo firley, banana fanna fo firley, fee fi moe firley, Shirley

I love making up words: silly words, profound words, words that seem so right, words that make others laugh (just add an "ola" to anything and it's perfect, like wandola for the TV remote..  I love the effect that new names, new words have on other people, especially Joe.  I love to hear him laugh.  He has one of those throaty laughs that make you laugh, it's great.


Last summer, we went to a local aquarium on Long Island in Riverhead.  It was an excellent one!  We saw fish the colors and species of which I had never seen before; so many so we had to rename them.  One, in particular, is my sign associated with this blog.

the lip fish

Now take a good look at this fish; it has lips and of course a long nose.  I pretty much spent most of my time at this aquarium with the lip fish keeping him company (really and rightfully he is called the Unicorn fish).  Every time he swept by and there were a number of these fish in the tank; he looked at me and...smiled.  It was like he enjoyed my company (rather egotistical I know but it felt like he did, honest).

He kept passing in front of the glass pressing closer and closer each time as I literally giggled in delight like an 8 year old.


Now you have to understand that I was born old and that I have chosen to live backwards ala Merlin.  It wasn't my fault that I was born old, that has to do with some ugly issues that occurred that I cannot discuss in a happiness blog but suffice it to say (my mother always used that phrase) eek, sounding like Mom, oh well, deal with it; I had very little about my childhood that I would like to remember unless it has been rewritten by a fading memory.


So, as a result, I try to be childlike now (of course in a tasteful, older woman manner).  I allow myself to be childlike, not childish (there's a difference you know!) and enjoy the many things I missed growing up.  So, I don't mind a little staring from others (poor dear, they are thinking) when I squeal with delight at the lip fish.


The more I realize that seeing the world through the child I've become suits me, the more I experience unfettered joy and happiness. I have watched so many children grow up as an educator and seen how some of them know how to enjoy being kids; it's a thing of beauty I assure you.  


So I say,  strap on your inner moppet today folks (sounds a little kinky, oops), let her (or him) out to play and you might just have a glorious day.

Day 14: I am a love machine, la DE dah

AARP put out an article about the top 6 things that will increase happiness for the "older set" so I decided to read it carefully before releasing my blog today.  Can't say I disagree with anything they have said (and that's a first, I might add).  The number one event?  Get a pet.


Now, pretty much, my entire life I have been closely associated with dogs and cats, mostly dogs but my current child, Zeffy, is unlike any other I have ever lived with.

This is Zeffy

Zeffy looks a lot like Falcor, the luck dragon, from "The Never Ending Story."  He is a runt toy poodle whose legs are way too short, ears are way too long, who plays CONSTANTLY, and who is a love machine in every sense of the word.

This is Falcor

Can you see the resemblance? In the movie, Falcor was a savior of Atreyu, the hero in the story.  In real life, Zeffy is a savior of me, the hero in my story.  Zeffy is all about love and affection.  He laughs at all of my jokes; he's sad when I'm sad (for about 30 milliseconds) and he's all about loving me every minute of everyday.  What is the price of this neverending love?  An occasional greenie, food, water, and toys, lots of toys.


Zeffy has a few rituals that he must complete everyday (it comes from living with me, an obsessive compulsive but in a good way).  Each morning when Joe and I wake up, Zeffy emerges from his warm, toasty cocoon under the covers right between the two of us  (how he sleeps under the covers and breathes is a mystery to us).  If he espies an open eye on either of us; he charges our faces for immediate kisses and tail wagging.


Zeffy is a great sleeper and easily posts 10-12 hours per day of relaxation and dream events but when he is aware we are "stirring", he wakes on cue, shakes his fur to plump his ears mostly, and then charges the face and I mean at breakneck speed (it has to be face, no other part of us will do) and plants a minimum of 150 wet kisses anywhere on the face he can reach.


Zeffy is a love machine.  He smiles, kisses, and then waits patiently for his day to begin.  Even though Joe and I always and I mean always greet each other with a warm smile, hugs and kisses each day; how can we compare with this wild abandon measure of love from Zeffy?


Everyone should have a Zeffy to make them happy, do you?

Day 13: Life would be so easy if we only knew what to do with it

There are too many things going on in my life right now and I think it is difficult to catch my breath today.  I know you all know the feeling and to establish a happiness moment is really testing my skills today but here goes.


Whenever I have these moments it's like a small avalanche is beginning in my mind and the tumbling rocks start small and manageable at first and then they get larger and larger.  In fact, they all seem to fall right on my chest and make it difficult to breathe.(Know the feeling?)  I have learned that there are several relaxation techniques that work for some people.  My ex practices transcendental meditation.  He says it works for him although I never understood that because he usually fell asleep in the process. I run and most of the time that works for me but not today.


What is my failsafe procedure for regaining my composure in times of dire stress?  I make lists.  Yes, the old tried and true method for those who want some immediate relief is list making.  What could a list do for me you say?  Well, never underestimate the power of a list.


A good and substantial list is equivalent to turning on the light in the middle of the night when you have a nightmare.  During a nightmare, you sometimes have trouble shaking the negative feelings of the dream.  In the dark, you see all kinds of "bad things" that seem to be lurking and waiting to get you.  So, we turn on the light to rid our room and our minds of the "those" that lurk.


A list is a light.  First, you need to understand that I don't list the problems.  That seems to work for some people but not me.  I list the steps I must take to solve the problems.  This is my light.  Once I sit down and write my list (and, yes, of course, I put easy things and hard things on this list) I start to see an end to the fear and stress associated with the problem.  I have an action plan to solve my issue(s).


Just making this action plan is calming but then working on completing the tasks listed makes me feel a sense of achievement.  Rather than focusing on the stressful aspects of the concern, I plunge headlong into the solution.  And just in case you are wondering whether or not I put some things I have already done on this list so I can check them off right away, wonder no more, of course I do.


Achievement is a sure cure for what ails you at least it is for me.  In one sense it keeps my mind busy and disallows the random stress thoughts that occur; in another sense it focuses my keen sense of awareness on solutions and that makes me happy.  Try it, you might just find this "cure" works for you as well.  It's better than sitting and stressing with no end in sight and you'll have a protocol for success, at least for the moment.

Day 12: Happiness is a roller coaster

I love roller coasters.  I think I became a resident of Florida primarily for the year long pass to the amusements parks (it's really cheap for residents!!!)  Roller coasters are thrilling, scary, and they make you hold your breath.  They are also loud, disorienting, and short lived. In order to experience this moment of excitement, you have to wait on long lines with lots of other hopeful people for the 90 second thrill.  These are also great descriptions of happiness...


Happiness for me is becoming a regular occurrence and I am starting to get the feel of why I am beginning to recognize my happiness where I did not before. Using the roller coaster analogy as my guide, I figure there are two kinds of happiness that people refer to:


1.  the incident of happiness; a brief occurrence, a moment in time; an event
2.  the ideal of happiness; a reflection of several strings of happiness pearls strung together.


I am striving for #2 because I think that is the way to go. Happiness is more of a reflective quality; a remembrance: meeting my best friend for the first time on the second floor of our college dorm; knowing I was  pregnant after returning from New Orleans; giving birth to my most  wonderful son; my first teaching job; my first principalship; meeting Joe; falling in love with Joe; returning to NYC after 35 years.  These memory pearls are all wonderful examples of reasons to break out into a large, warm smile.  You know the kind that lasts for more than just a brief minute, the ones that actually warm you all the way down.


On roller coasters, they have those automatic cameras that take your picture around the last and most harrowing turn.  You can buy them if you want when you're leaving the ride.  I buy them because I am actually smiling and enjoying myself.  Some people buy them because they or their friends look terrified and it's seems like it's fun to tease them or perhaps  it is a moment in time that they just want to capture. 


I have a picture of my most wonderful moments in my mental album.  Like all albums, they are brought out once in a while to show yourself or visiting friends and relatives those special moments.  I now understand that I need and am able to recall these images any time I want and that makes me really happy. So folks,  pull out your memory albums and look at them; what are you waiting for?

Day 11: Love is recognized by a series of rituals or is it?

Love is represented by  a series of rituals, important ones, that show someone that you'll be around for the long haul (this is called commitment).   I love a few people but only a few.  To those who love everyone, good for you but I don't.


I think the real love(s) in your life are comparable to the number of real friends you have (those people you can count on one hand with a couple of fingers left over.)  I'm not talking about the huge number of people you talk to each day, the Farmville buddies you have, your "acquaintances" as my mother used to say.  I am talking about people who care if you don't show, who notice if you have a half smile on your face, those people who sense your needs just by being close by; those people who honestly look at you and smile lovingly even when your hair is askew and you have sleep lines on your face.


As Barbra would say, people who need people are the luckiest...but we all need people.  The question is,"how do we show how much we care about the people we need or is it a one way street?"  I am a nurturer by trade ( although some I have worked with in the past may disagree  because of my obvious toughness on the job; that's the job, not the person).  I seriously get pleasure from  taking care of the people I love and there are no boundaries to this except when I'm tired, cranky, or obviously over spent (what you don't have limits to your boundless love?)


I know that being the one who "does" for others makes me happy but doing the same things for my special people whom I truly love is my kind of heaven.  Some things are simple gestures like bringing in a favorite pillow or simply touching fingertips as we pass, others require more planning like collecting copies of my son's favorite movies as he was growing up  as a surprise as he was leaving for college; remember "The Never Ending Story"?


Here's one ritual that I must have as I start each day.  Each morning Joey brings me a cup of coffee.  That sounds unimportant to most but it's not that the coffee is freshly ground or freshly brewed and made perfectly to my taste (although that counts big time) but it is what he says when he brings it: some special statement about the day, about me in a very sexy voice I might add.  It could be something like, "on this glorious Florida morning where the sun is shining and we are expecting a lovely and warm day....(i can't tell you everything but it is followed by deep smiles and me saying "I accept."  Now that's a ritual of love.


To those I love,  I dedicate this blog today (for you make me so very happy and I hope I do the same for you).  For those out there who are listening, find a ritual of love that works for you and practice it, for love is a series of important and insignificant rituals that two people share in affection and which make each and every day special.

Day 10: How to handle a woman; there's a way said the wise old man (do you remember this song?)

Women have to be the most difficult creatures on this earth to comprehend.  We are tied to a complicated set of rules that only we know about (and which constantly change) and as men and children attempt to navigate them, we set them up for regular periods of failure sometimes intentionally, I might add.


In order for me to be happy,  I have to be sure that my surrounding family, friends and colleagues understand the rules and obey them.  Cases in point: have you ever tried picking out significant furniture items with a loved one?  Or have you ever set up technology together?  Do your kids wonder why you cry at commercials on occasion? Do you friends wonder why you change your opinion on something and then seem to change back (I thought you liked my shoes)?


Women are vacillating and fascinating as a group but no one really understands us because we don't understand ourselves.  We are emotionally based, most often, and perceive things on this emotional basis which is a teetering board keeping us off balance as well.  


We are also hurt magnets. We tend to believe that everything negative that seems to occur is usually our fault because we harbor such negative feelings from within. (This is a monumental ego issue; as if we had the ability to control all factors in the world, what are we thinking?)


As we operate on this emotional freeway, we are so busy trying to examine where every other car is going  before we even decide where we want to go.  As I have been writing this daily memoir of what makes me happy everyday, I realized something,  I am not happy every day.  Is that a revelation or an admission of guilt?  I think both.


I want to be happy, filled with smiles, and pleasant thoughts but reality slaps me in the face and thwarts the opportunity.  So I would like to revise my definition of happiness for today.


Happiness means you take the time to recognize the good things even if you cannot muster a smile or giggle to show those near you that you are happy.  Because, we are happy, you know, we just need time to reflect on it and see whether you think so first.

Day 9: I was a shoe whore...

OK,  I admit it,  I was a shoe whore.  I couldn't get enough: heels, designer shoes (that were impossible to walk in but so incredibly cute), pairs and pairs and pairs.  I needed a closet just for my shoes and folks I lived in a condo in Brooklyn.  You can imagine how impossible that was. I knew I had a problem but I didn't care: shoes were my chocolate, my ice cream, my substitute for everything.

Then I met Joey, only he was a shoe whore (mimbo?) too.  We started hitting all of the places together feeding our shared addiction: DSW, Payless, Nordstroms.  Every place we could find, from the cheapest to the most expensive.  We clearly had a problem and we fed our need together...I know why people of similar adddicitons get together.  We'd walk down our respective aisles separately occasionally shooting each other a glance, a smile, especially when spied a deal.  It was nearly orgasmic.

That was then, now we are reformed shoe whores.  How did we quit?  Actually,  it was so gradual that I barely noticed.  First, we ran out of room, especially when we decided to move in together.  I noticed his obsession long before I admitted to my own (how typical).  If you think it is difficult finding places for your own shoe obsession when you live alone, how about when you move into an apartment together?  We bought those plastic cases for shoes under the bed; metal rows for inside the closet; metal rows for outside the closet.  We were under water with shoes every where.

Now please understand; Joe and I have larger feet than most people.  I am a confessed size 11.  Can you believe that I wear a size 11?  I think that is why I was always so thrilled to find great shoes  at my size.  OK,  I am rationalizing, I know it.  Anyway,  when I saw the volume of our collective shoe obsession, I knew we were in trouble.

I admitted it first, "Joe,  I am a shoe whore."  He agreed and I waited for his realization of his own issue and it came.  He's great about admitting the truth (one of his best qualities).

We never actually agreed out loud to stop anything but our shopping addiction waned as our love and respect for each other grew.  Togetherness at home replaced long shopping trips.  Space became a reality in our lives.  Boundries were developed.  Expenses shared and calcuated.

The result?  My American Express hasn't had a shoe  charge in at least a month (I did need new running shoes, come on I still need shoes once in a while) but I am happy to report that I have given away over 30 pairs of shoes to friends and relatives ( who are size 11) and I haven't felt the need to replace my once stellar collection.

The bottom line?  I think that love and acceptance of who I am has replaced my need for shoes.  As a former shoe whore to other shoe whores out there, love is cheaper and more fun....

Day 8: What do the movies teach us about happiness

When I think of happiness, I think of my movies and how much I love them. Whenever I travel, I keep at least 8 movies on my iPad ( if you want to know what they are, just ask),I keep them at the ready  just in case I get sad, bored, need to be bolstered, or just need a friend.  Movies are like friends, old ones, that come back to you just at the right time when you need their comfort, excitement, or advice.


I have learned a lot from movies throughout my life and I believe some of this is right:


1. Prince Charming needed to know that more than one woman could have fit into that glass slipper; he just didn't look long enough.  The older I get, the more I realize that this concept of the "only one" can happen again and again.  The more we grow (older), the more we grow personally, we develop connectors and receptors on us that draw us towards new Cinderellas as well as new Prince Charmings; we may just have the chance to find a new "one" with whom we may be very happy.


2. The reason Prince and Princesses needed to have arranged marriages is because they built too many roadblocks around themselves.  Who wants to cross a moat full of alligators; scale a wall 30 feet high, cut through brambles taller than oaks, or slay a dragon or two just to meet a girl.  If we want to be loved and we all do, we need to move out of the castle into a a nice garden apartment that's accessible by lots of guys, not just those on white steeds with large swords.  Really, do you want a guy that carries an open weapon around these days?


3. Don't set up impossible options, if you meet someone and fall in love, make it work.  Don't say you'll meet in 6 months later at the top of a famous building, be with them now, love doesn't wait. New love has a timer on it, if it isn't cultivated probably, it seems to wither away.


4.  Look seriously at your relationship(s). If you suspect something is wrong, then it probably is.  Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away.  Deal with it head on;  even if it means you may lose your significant other; than so be it.  I see so many people in bad relationships because they are afraid to let go.  Being alone is not so bad and remember to find an apartment without a moat.


5. Be forgiving; all the really strong relationships are based on forgiveness.  If you meet one of those people and you know who they are,someone who calls themselves a "truth teller" , beware.  These people tend to be incapable of forgiveness or introspection for that matter, so run.  The only truth they tell is someone else's truth and none of us need someone following us around spouting the truth as they see it.  These people are incapable of looking inward only outward.  The truth is, the truth can be painful.  We all make mistakes on a regular basis and unless there is a valuable lesson to be learned from it,the truth is best left to be put in the right place by the owner like a rose from a high school dance left in the pages of an old novel where only the few could find it.


Some memories are flotation devices and some are baggage.  I will keep my bags packed and since I am headed to the beach today,  I will only bring my flotation devices,  how about you?

Day 7: Do you think they still do it?

Joe and I play lots of games that we make up (we laugh a lot).  We have our Walmart greeter identifications (how old are they and how long have they been here or did someone forget to pick them up on the way out?), the name that music artist one and of course the ever popular "do you think they still do it."  It's not that we are obsessed with sex (maybe we are a little) but we do like to talk about others and their potential habits.


We play this game everywhere (no equipment to carry along, very low tech): the restaurant, the beach, Walmart, anywhere there are couples (of any kind and any age).  I think that maintaining a healthy and playful sex life is vital to everyone but especially to those over 50. We can most  easily see who is still doing it  (or at least we think so) according to our rules of our game.


We look first at how they dress:  do they still care about their appearance (this is a big one, no pun intended).  Then we look at the physical proximity of the couple, do they touch at all (hand holding, nearness, etc.), do they look at each other when they talk? And finally, do they look vital?  Vitality is a key concept.  Does sex make you vital or is it simply that vitality makes you want to have sex?


Either way, it is evident to us that a lot of people, especially in our age group, are demonstrating a sexual disinterest in their partners.  Sometimes we worry when we see a couple and we both agree that "one" of them is having sex.  It is easy to drift apart as we get older. Our outward attractiveness is weaning (that has to be a pun!) and since our sexual habits are driven by our self concepts...


So, do you want to be happy?  Be sensitive to your significant other.  Remember what your partners were like when they were younger? Please tell me you can remember back that far, if not fantasize, that works too!  Remember also that inside our heads, we are younger or capable of feeling  younger,  make them believe you do  and it will "rub off" on you. Touch, touch, touch; don't walk by without a caress; look at each other and really "see them", smile, get vital! And you too can be happy... like me!

Day 6:Getting Ready for a NYC summer "The Death Watch" syndrome

It's almost summer and the death watch notices are coming out in the droves. Sound morbid much? Well a death watch is a concert given by, you guessed it, performers who you may never see again because they may "be gone."  


I know we laugh at this concept but dying from "old age" is getting closer to home for me.  I remember the time Jim and I went to see Sinatra.  His voice was gone but those blue eyes told me that he had tremendous life.  I squirmed in my seat with delight as he looked at each and every woman in the music hall or at least he looked at me, in my heart.


I thought, I'll never get that old and yet now I realize that I am thinking more and more about my mortality.  Seinfeld said, people go to Florida to die when he talked to Kramer about moving to Boca. I know where Boca is, I've been to Boca, and now I live (part of the year) in Florida very close to Boca.  By the way, it's a lovely and expensive place!


So what is making me happy with this scenario?  When you start to get to "this age" the new precipice of older days, you start to realize how young you actually are on the inside.


It's interesting when you pass a window or random mirror in a store and you catch a glimpse of yourself and ask, who is that "older woman" because on the inside you feel great, young, unchanged.  Where is a picture of Dorian Gray when you need one?


Why does our brain do that to us, go schizo and make us believe we are younger than we are?  I think its a mechanism of safety, security, one that helps us get out of bed every day.  I, for one, am thrilled that my mind says; run, dance, love, because you are still...32?


I have picked 32 as my mental age for a number of reasons:


1.  my son was born at age 30 and I love that (my best achievement and my best gift to this world)
2. I was living with my,then, best friend, my ex husband
3. I was dancing, ballroom and Latin, and having lots of fun
4. I loved my job
5. I loved where I was living
6.  I had a good friend base
7. I was so physically and mentally able


These are all critical factors in understanding my current mental age.  We all need to know what motivates us in life.  I am motivated by my love for the special people in my world.  Because my world right now is full of love, thank you Joey and Jeremy,I can relate to the changes in the real world: the graying hair, the not so perfect skin on my neck (why does that have to happen) and realize that these imperfections of the body are irrelevant to the perfection of the mind and soul.


And so I am happy to know that the mind and heart win over the body and that is how it should be. Thank you God for making this so.  Thanks for bringing my mind into the place, my Eden, my heaven, my place of love and refuge long before someone is planning my death watch....

Day 5: it takes so many more muscles to frown than it does to smile

Well, with a smile I say,  I am at day 5 and still excited about the blog; only 360 days to go to meet my goal (is next year a leap year???). 


Sleeping is not one of my best skills and I always admire those who sleep.  Since I have been awake since 3:52am, I want to be sure to temper my thoughts today and not be too revealing in my morning grogginess.


After one of my posts, a friend asked me if I weren't afraid of being too revealing. Before I answered, I really paused and thought before I responded (also not one of my best skills; I usually respond too quickly). Being afraid of showing my deeper feelings is not an issue for me.


I have always been "too revealing" my whole life.  I think our willingness to share our true souls is a lost art and as a point of fact, words seem to spill out of my mouth before I realize it. 


I have always felt a need to explain myself (sometimes over and over again, right honey).  I think it is simply part of my own internal process of understanding myself.  I think about this act as no more than thinking aloud.  I can understand how this concerns people who are truly more private and circumspect about their lives.(It that a euphemism for...)


I like my openness and willingness to put myself "out there."  I once saw a show on TV (yes, I also watch TV,  I am truly going to hell some day, aren't I) which said that you needed to walk around the house for one full day naked and to spend at least one full hour examining your body in the mirror (whew, talk about personal disappointment!).  


This sounds a lot like what I do, except for the real nakedness thing;  I don't mind baring my soul and getting "naked" emotionally especially if you find acceptance, support, or even just a good ear on the other end.

I am a complicated, multi-layered individual who is actually beginning to realize that I like myself.  I always tell people who want to suggest changes in my life that may improve my quality of living;  "I'm 59, I pretty much think I am staying the way I am," but now I think this isn't true.  I am constantly changing and happy about it so bring on the suggestions my friends,  I think it means you're listening to me, right?


And that makes me happy....

Day 4: Farmville

OK,  I admit it,  I play Farmville.  There are over 3 million people around the world  who do play it but almost 2, 999,999 won't admit it.  I like it, it's soothing, like knitting.  I feel my little critters need me;  I don't like letting my crops wither (that's a bad thing for non farmers) and it gives me some place to be at varying times of the day where I feel needed.


I'm a good farmer and more importantly, I am a good "neighbor."  Good neighbors fertilize your crops, send you important gifts to finish imaginary collections and most importantly, earn you points to move up the farmer ladder of heightened responsibility and fame.


I play a lot with my old high school buddies, most of whom I barely knew in high school but find we have a lot in common at this point in our lives.  Isn't that interesting?  And I mean both men and women.  It's funny how fragile we were in high school and now we are grazing in shared fields on the internet so intimately.


I went to my 40th high school reunion a couple of years back. I saw some amazing things: people who were genuinely  friendly, caring, and interested in talking to each other.  Another amazing fact, we kept in touch afterwards (the true sign that someone is interested in a real relationship).  Are we clinging to each other in memories of our lost youth?  I actually think not, there's more to this newer better wiser relationship issue than that because the truth is we all weren't full fledged friends in high school.


What is a friend, a Facebook companion, a Farmville neighbor? It is someone who is a casual observer without the threat of a real relationship yet caring enough to send wild emails that are passed around the internet like mental fodder. I like Facebook.  It may have been invented for the college set at first but it has been taken over by my generation and we are winning the battle of staying "in touch".  The more tentacles your life has, the more secure you feel in this world whether in person or online.  


I like being a farmer, this Brooklyn girl is good at it.

Day 3

Music has always been an essential part of my life, especially popular music from my intense years, the 1950's and the 1960's.  When I run,  I always have a nice mixture of current and past music to listen to but when I want to feel...better...I just listen to older rock and roll.

Having spent years at the Fillmore east, Murray the K shows at the Brooklyn Auditorium and a myriad of concerts too numerous to mention, I attach a lot of significance to music that has shaped or interfered in my life course.  I say interfered because sometimes in the past,  I did "stoopid stuff" as my best friend would say following the "suggestion" from the music.  Example,  "For Your Love" by the Yardbirds drove me to invite my 10th grade boyfriend, Dennis, over for some excessive touching one day.  Don't ask me why but it did!

There are 2 reasons for my continued interest in this kind of music:  the game and the memories.  The game is a simple one;  my husband (he's not by paper but by open choice we live together) and I listen to Sirius satellite radio and without looking at the screen; guess the year and the group or singer. It's a lot of fun, it really makes you think, and yes, I'm really good at it.

There are times when I just don't know where my memories of this music come from; it just appears in my mind.  I particularly like the obscure ones, the one hit wonders.  What my husband and I realized when we started playing this game is that he knows so many different ones than I do and how well matched we are as a team.(If there ever was a music trivia contest for the 50's and 60's).

We laugh a lot; he gives me instant credit for an amazing memory and I like that...because it is credit that I can believe in.  Sometimes, I can even recall the B side of the 45...and the color of the label.  Of course, that information is not on the radio, so you'll just have to believe me.

Day 2

So, here I am writing to myself publicly so I can regain some self respect and teach myself to be nice to me.  I guess it is not so public since no one is following me or really reading me for that matter but that doesn't matter as much as this process does.


So what's so special about me today.  I have been wracking my brain and it's only day 2; what will I do on day 10? eek! 


I am a runner or at least I used to be but I have started again and I am doing pretty well 5-7 miles every other day and I walk the days in between.


I am not fast but like with all things that I do,  I am methodical.  I plan my routes (mostly outside) but occasionally, I go to the treadmill.


I like running; getting totally sweat laden, exhausted.  This process of running actually makes me feel alive.  Running is hard and occasionally (a lot) painful.  I have great sneakers: a pair of Asics gel and a pair of Nike's.  You need to switch shoes every other day or at least that is what I was told long ago.


I stopped running 10 years or so ago for two reasons:  one: my knees were shot (too many surgeries and the doctor told me I could not run and I believed him) and two: I got separated from my best friend, my husband, and I was numb with pain and couldn't function.


The result?  I got fat and gained around 57 pounds.  Horrible.  Once you start to gain weight especially at my age, it comes on like a flood.  


So here I was, alone, fat, and living in a remote area.  You see, once I separated from my husband, I was into the dramatic and desperate; I sold our home; gave him half of everything; had the biggest yard sale ever; bought a condo for him nearby; one for me far, far away near the ocean (on the ocean) and left. I retired from my job of 31 years; went to work in my remote ocean place and cried and ate a lot.


No one came to visit me (I didn't really tell anyone where I was except family and except for my son and my ex; no one came (how sad is that). Well I worked at a bike shop part time (one of my former students gave me the job) and I worked on the house I bought redoing just about everything inside and out (built a garage too) Not by myself but I did a lot myself!


Well I am getting far afield from running.  Anyway,  I stayed there for 2 years, kept the house and moved back to NYC.  My son was living in Manhattan and said , "Mom, you live too far away, come back to the world."  When my son asks, I do, it's as simple as that and since I am a native Noo Yawka, I went...back to Brooklyn where my life began.


NYC hadn't changed but I had.  I started to pull my life together (more later on how that happened) and found a new orthopedist who was also a former student (I have 31 years of students) and he said, "If you want to run, run!"  I did and I am...61 pounds lighter and dare I say, a little bit happier.


Don't let people tell you what you're capable of (or not for that matter).  How many times did I tell students and their families this message but I didn't listen to it myself.  I am starting to believe.  More on Day 3.

Happiness? what the hell is it?

OK,  I'm 59, a well educated female, in a secure relationship with a great man; have a fabulous son; good relations with my ex; living as a snow bird in NYC and Florida; have my own business which I started myself and am semi retired, so why aren't I happy?


I have been told that I am a good person; nice looking for my age.....; healthy and yet...I have a louder voice in my head that says "bad things" to me, can you imagine, me, this wonderful accomplished person of faith (I might add).


I was once told by a reputable therapist that happiness can only be attained from within.  I recently watched the movie "Julie & Julia" and cried at the end. I do that too often I'm told.  Good movie yes, but what I got from the flick was that Julia Child did not like this young woman doing a blog and cooking herself to oblivion in homage to her. That's what I got?  Not all of the wonderful other things?


This is my problem.  My brain zeros in on the negative in all situations but mostly for me; to others I am overpoweringly positive to a point where I am disingenuous. 


So this is my challenge.  For one year, yes I stole this from the movie no kidding; I am going to find one wonderful thing to say to myself each day.  It is going to be honest, authentic and I promise not to cheat.  Today is day one.


I'm really good at cleaning.  Whenever I get upset,  I clean (I've got a really clean house).  But the thing  is I'm honestly good at it: especially the laundry.  I have boasted to myself on occasion that I can get any stain out of any piece of washable fabric.Now this is not a skill I speak much about to anyone because really who cares about laundry but I get great satisfaction from it, is that wrong?


I calculate the soapage, my word (I invent lots of words, you'll see), the right blend of fabric solvents, very Mr Wizard of me, isn't it?  I check the washing machine multiple times throughout the process even though that is ridiculous because what can I really see? bubbles? spinning? and when those chimes go off (what your machine doesn't have chimes, pity) I cannot wait to separate out the pieces that needed my special touch to see the results of my efforts.  Too often what we do goes unnoticed by others, we get no street cred, so to speak.  This is what I am going to change for myself...I want my head to credit me with some success everyday, is that too much to ask???


If we truly get satisfaction from what we accomplish, then laundry is my billowed sail for today. You probably know that I am doing the laundry right now and that it is not a coincidence my friends.  (My friends, hmmm. I'll probably never be speaking to anyone but myself on this blog but that, too, is OK since, I'm the one that needs convincing of my personal value...