As most of you know, my son died from cancer recently. As a result, I am grieving and on some days
I’m great and others not so. Grief is a
personal experience and is different for each and every one of us. In our American culture, we honestly don’t
know what to do with grief and so we hide behind platitudes and useless
expressions of condolences without really understanding the true nature of the
grieving process.
When I see people or speak with them on the phone, I find
that they don’t know what to say. I
understand this as I have had the same experience as a friend of a grieving
one.
I have several observations that I would like to share. First and foremost, when you don’t know what
to say, that is a sign to listen to the other person. Some of us who are grieving need to talk, to
remember; to think about our recently lost loved one. We know you don’t want to hear any gruesome
details about the end of our loved one’s life and, in fact, we don’t want to
share these as well.
So many people have a need to tell me their stories and that
is natural as well although I, personally, am not ready for anyone’s else’s death
stories as I am too deeply engrossed in my own reality. Still there are others
who feel the need to tell me how much worse it’ll be in the years to come. Is this really something you want or need to
say to me? Do I need to have more dread
of the future? To be honest, the future
does not scare me and I know, for me, it will not get worse; there is no worse
for me to experience in my life. The
loss of child is the unhappiest experience with no bottom to the pit of despair;
but I choose to be immersed in my positive memories and private joys of my life
with him instead.
Others are afraid of talking to me at all so they change the
subject as quickly as possible. Still
others are squeamish and perhaps the word “cancer” sets them to fear and
distress and they don’t want to share with the grieving person. I, myself,
cannot listen to a cancer commercial (and there are loads of them on TV) so I
mute the TV and I guess that is normal.
Some people are afraid to share their joys, grandchildren
stories or just family stories. I love
hearing about your families and how wonderful your lives are. I am not jealous of your lives or personal
joys and I ask you all to tell me every detail with a broad smile and
enthusiasm.
So what do I want from my friends and family? I like to remember my son as a vibrant,
intelligent, and much loved individual; one whom was famous or infamous for his
fast talking; fast eating; life that amazed so many. I enjoy thinking of him as a child, a teen,
and an adult. I enjoy remembering some
of our fights, our laughs, and our average days together. Most of my memories are of Jeremy ages 0-21
since that is the range of time we lived together (if you count college as
living together).
My memories are beautiful, vivid and distinct and bring a
smile and a few tears to my eyes. I
enjoy celebrating who he was to me and to others. I love hearing from his friends who tell me
about their distinct memories. Everyday
is an “Our Town” day for me striving to recollect the most insignificant day
and enjoy that day as a perfect memory.
So if you don’t know what to say, just listen… and let me share my
beautiful son with you.
