My son has cancer….

No matter how many times I say this to myself; it seems unreal but it is true.  My son is 30 and he has cancer.  I have watched him go through the stages from afar.  I say afar because he lives on the opposite side of the country and having mom around is just not an option at this point.

What do you do while you wait patiently for updates?  My son is an adult and is managing his healthcare very appropriately with his wife and I am sitting on my hands trying to keep from calling him everyday.  I was always the chief healthcare support person as he grew up and now I am not but that’s as it should be.  We, mothers, have a tendency to say the wrong things to adult children because we still think of them as children and they’re not.  We want to cradle them again and that’s no more attractive to them than it is trying to cradle a porcupine.  It’s not that he’s prickly but the resulting image of returning to a child when you’re facing such a live changing illness makes things worse; it takes his power away.

This has been a difficult lesson for me but I am learning and doing better each and every day.  My son has been through multiple operations for a late stage colorectal cancer diagnosis including a permanent ostomy. He suffered through radiation but complained very little; he is learning to manage his new body part and loss of other body parts and now he is in the final stages of chemotherapy and realizing the cost of that procedure.

He is very brave by my standards but says very flatly, “It’s not like I have a choice.” My sister has breast cancer and I watched nervously as she proceeded through her therapy with a stiff smile because she was in control not the cancer and now I am watching my son do the same.  My sister gives me some sound advice because she understands cancer and I don’t.  To me it’s a thief in the night, dark and brooding, stealing life instead of silverware, and leaving an indelible mark.  To her, cancer is abnormal cells that grow and as they grow, she won’t allow them to take over her life or her body without a fight.

They say cancer changes people; I always thought it mean those people with cancer but it changes all those around them as well.  I am a little less frightened now (just a little less);  I am learning to be a support person for my family members instead of the controlling one;  I am learning that cancer is only a part of the equation…that growing and changing your positive mental cells should be the result.