Is happiness hidden in the past…look back and see

When you’re worried and you can’t sleep just count your blessings instead of sheep…  People often ask me how I am now that Jeremy is gone.  That’s an interesting question because I am … different.  My doctor gave me some strong advice, he said” You won’t get over it, you’ll just get used to it.”  I have; I am getting used to it.

Love is an unquantifiable emotion; even when you’re very young; the depth of your emotion is difficult to describe; why do we love; how do we relate to love; is love a natural occurrence; does it require some special gift? Once you love someone; that depth of emotion never leaves you; it is the pattern for your next attachment.  I am lucky; I have loved deeply in my life and I continue to love as strongly as ever; maybe more so.

I can count my major love experiences and recognize the value of each and every one: my mother and sisters, my dogs, my first best friend, my first high school crush; Jim; Jeremy, Joe, my friends, and myself.  I have not always loved myself as I should have and I am still learning to treat me as I should be treated… like a great friend. 

My past is filled with joys, excitement, successes, friendships, love, and great memories.  I have done a few things right and I need to remember that; picture albums are great for this but they usually don’t capture the moments we want to remember.  I like to think about the average mundane day when nothing special happened and realize how lucky I was and am to have these memories.

I enjoy remembering and counting the times I laughed out loud; smiled deep within my heart; cried and almost wet my pants with laughter; read my first favorite book; reread my favorite book; met someone special; helped someone deal with disappointment; helped someone succeed; how I held my son every time I did until the end…

Now I look at pictures of smiling faces, especially Jeremy’s smiling face.  I think his goofiest moments were the best but I also enjoy remembering his first tattoo; his first girlfriend; his many successes; his Herman Munster laugh so hearty, so genuine.

I am happy; I am lucky; I have loved; I continue to love.  I don’t count sheep, I count my blessings.