Happiness is a blog from the heart…

Why do we write blogs; those that do?  What do we want people to do with them?  I write for a need to explain my feelings; it helps me to understand myself better; this I understand but why do people read these blogs?

I read other blogs that belong to friends because it gives me insight into their lives; I read blogs from others I do not know but what’s interesting is that I don’t read blogs written by men and I’m not sure why.

Women write emotionally and I am looking to connect with others who share the same maladies as I do but more than that; I look towards their solutions.  Someone asked me the other day how I could put myself out there for so many to see; bare myself naked as I do.  When you strip away your own frailties; no one else can do this to you.

Many I know look at me with sadness at the death of my son; I get this, especially my closest friends who can still see the sadness in my eyes; but I am not so much as sad as wondering what to do with my  emotions.  I need new paths for my day to day life and I need new recognition for my newest memories so they don’t get left in the trash heap of life’s underutilized day to day events.

I am reconciling.  I am reconfiguring.  I am reinventing.  I am restarting my heart.  I was listening today to a mother and grandmother who lost two boys in the Oklahoma City bombing 20 years ago.  One newsman said that his wife mentioned that when his son was born, her heart was now outside of her body.  This was one of the most accurate descriptions I have ever heard and felt.  That’s why it’s so difficult to address; how can you restart your heart when it’s outside of your body.

Blogging is good therapy but please do me a favor; I am not looking for sympathy in my writing; I am looking to resurrect my life and give it new meaning.  Happiness is realizing that I still have a reason to revive my life and my personal meaning; join me in moving ahead…

Is happiness hidden in the past…look back and see

When you’re worried and you can’t sleep just count your blessings instead of sheep…  People often ask me how I am now that Jeremy is gone.  That’s an interesting question because I am … different.  My doctor gave me some strong advice, he said” You won’t get over it, you’ll just get used to it.”  I have; I am getting used to it.

Love is an unquantifiable emotion; even when you’re very young; the depth of your emotion is difficult to describe; why do we love; how do we relate to love; is love a natural occurrence; does it require some special gift? Once you love someone; that depth of emotion never leaves you; it is the pattern for your next attachment.  I am lucky; I have loved deeply in my life and I continue to love as strongly as ever; maybe more so.

I can count my major love experiences and recognize the value of each and every one: my mother and sisters, my dogs, my first best friend, my first high school crush; Jim; Jeremy, Joe, my friends, and myself.  I have not always loved myself as I should have and I am still learning to treat me as I should be treated… like a great friend. 

My past is filled with joys, excitement, successes, friendships, love, and great memories.  I have done a few things right and I need to remember that; picture albums are great for this but they usually don’t capture the moments we want to remember.  I like to think about the average mundane day when nothing special happened and realize how lucky I was and am to have these memories.

I enjoy remembering and counting the times I laughed out loud; smiled deep within my heart; cried and almost wet my pants with laughter; read my first favorite book; reread my favorite book; met someone special; helped someone deal with disappointment; helped someone succeed; how I held my son every time I did until the end…

Now I look at pictures of smiling faces, especially Jeremy’s smiling face.  I think his goofiest moments were the best but I also enjoy remembering his first tattoo; his first girlfriend; his many successes; his Herman Munster laugh so hearty, so genuine.

I am happy; I am lucky; I have loved; I continue to love.  I don’t count sheep, I count my blessings.

It’s in the genes…happiness that is

How do you start again?  How do you recover from life’s atrocities and go forward.  It takes a lot of work because forgetting is not an option and we all have to move forward, don’t we?

Human beings are so complex; give me a good dog any day, no muss no fuss:  walk me, feed me, play with me, and love me; repeat daily.  Humans have a hard time loving and being loved; our personal flaws are deep and striking and we wear our pain on our faces and in our hearts, especially as we age; but I see some, a few lucky ones, who always seem to rebound and I ask myself, how do they do it?

Everyone has difficult choices to make in life and the longer you walk this earth the more obvious it is but it’s the circumstances that are thrown at us like boulders of despair that you must leap over or work around that make life so dangerously complex.  My mother always said, “God only gives you what you can handle,” but I’ve always hated that phrase and to be honest I have always resented it.

I am doing some personal calculations for improvement now; looking to make changes in my life that will bring me happiness on a more consistent basis.  I want to feel healthy (I’ve got a ways to go there); I want to wake up after a good night’s sleep unmedicated with a smile on my face (this will take plenty of effort); I want to feel deserved of the love I do have from my husband and my family (I am more successful at this goal, so far); and I want to live and love like my dog (less complicated, more loving, and perky). 

Yes, my role model for change is based on my Zeffy my pupper.  He is appreciative of all contact with Joe and I; shows constant love and affection.  Zeffy is always near one of us, touching us, kissing us, wagging his tail in appreciation and joy.  He is protective of us, happy to see us each morning without exception and grateful for any love and time we give him.

So I have figured it out; happiness is in the genes but we need to reactivate our happiness genes because they been dormant too long.  I have my role model, who is yours?