Whom should I vote for? Did I miss the election?

I am beginning to worry about voting again; yes again.  I go through this issue every four years.  In my short life of 60 years, I have never had the pleasure of voting for someone in the presidential election who actually got in and whom I respected (hard combination).  Sound impossible? Does my vote even count?

According to the media; this election is all but decided and people in my age group, sex group, and state have already chosen according to the polls.  Should I even bother or have I already voted and forgotten to notice? (A senior moment?)

Being president is a big job and I tend to think maybe almost an impossible job for this country.  Isn’t it more about the friends, colleagues, and relationships that make a president?  Are they only valuable in hindsight?  Do we ever appreciate someone when they are in office?

We, as a society, have developed such a sense of mistrust and disrespect for those in power, no matter the job.  From the cop on the street to the unreachable man in office, we are full of criticism and misunderstandings to who they, those in power, are.  We say horrible things about them; accuse them of vicious intentions; and, in general, defile them in any way possible.

In truth, I am not sure why anyone in their right mind would run for office or hold a position of temporary power unless it’s an ego thing.  They know going into the fight that they are going to be massacred in the press, on the local corner, and spend billions of dollars for the potential of a short stint in the “chair of power.”

I am sure that Romney and Obama are good men with good intentions but do either of them know anything about what this government should be doing to keep America strong?   I want to vote for a good man (and hopefully some day a good woman). I want their hearts to be pure, not selfish, to be very bright; to be great readers; good listeners; to be someone who can make people believe in them, (I am speaking more of the Congress rather than the average citizen); to be an empowerer not a power seeker.  I want this superman to fight for what I believe in.

I believe that this country is great but like any gigantic microcosm flawed.  We are flawed because we care about causes and causes are not always decipherable; they’re mushy issues.  We are flawed because we believe different things as a collective group and all of our opinions seem to count and yet none of our opinions seem to count. We, as American people, are generous to a fault and yet are reluctant supporters at the same time. I love this country as it is, warts and all.  I believe in the American spirit and all of the same things that Superman believed in (isn’t that why Superman chose to live in America, because we’re the best; or because we had the most crime?)

I think it matters who becomes President of the United States but I am not sure which path Romney or Obama will choose once selected.  This voting season is much like my game of pool; poke and hope will be my motto.

To sleep, perchance to dream….

What a difference a day can make.  After spending three days in a row where I just couldn’t sleep; I finally found relief, although medicinally induced, in one wonderful night’s sleep.  Now before you get too critical of my medicinal assistance, I agree with you that medicine is a last resort but that’s where I was…in my last resort mode.

What causes us to stay awake or to keep getting woken up by minor irritations?  Is it a noise or a noise in our brains?  I have had a lot of time to analyze my broken or non-existent sleep so let me share a few insights.

It takes very little for me to stay awake reviewing my life’s errors and there are apparently many according to my midnight reminiscences. What is the statute of limitations on minor public and private indiscretions that my brain should not release me from them?  I am not sure why reviewing my personal gaffs should warrant any thinking time.  I have never committed any statutory practice that would allow legal intervention yet I treat my personal indiscretions as if they were.

My second most popular awake intervention involves loved ones.  Are they really all right?  I have two family members with cancer:  my eldest sister and my son and how are they really?  Do I know?  Who’s next on the disease hit parade? Who else will I lose soon?  Sounds dramatic but it’s truthful…

My third and final drama of the evening is my future.  I need to do something else with my life right now; something of value instead of just being retired but what?  I keep saying I need to volunteer maybe at the local school.  I miss working in education and I miss the kids but I also like the freedom I feel each day.  I enjoy being a housewife personality, no really I do.  I have a luxury now that I have never known:  food shopping during the work day (very Stepford of me I know).  I enjoy reading recipes, planning meals, thinking about meals (is that bad).  So now I feel like I am wasting my retirement; sad, isn’t it.

The funny thing is when I see the daylight after a night of angst; none of these issues bother me.  The monsters disappear when the light of the sun appears so how bad are these monsters if they are not brave enough to face the day?

Intimate conversations just aren’t the same after age 60 or are they?

I suppose it’s a good thing that we can talk about our private and personal feelings as we do.  I mean isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be in an intimate relationship?

But what once was the focus of love and tender reminiscences has respectfully been replaced more with personal bodily functions than intimate dreams for the future.  Sharing after age 60 is different but still respectable and important.

All of my bodily functions seem to be evolving at this age but since this is the first time I’ve been 60; it’s really nice to have a partner in life who is 61 and who can pave the way for me in understanding my life changes.

I am an avid exerciser and former runner as you may recall.  I am just amazed though that my body is no longer reacting as it used to.  Yes, I can get very stimulated  by the endorphins supplied through exercise but instead of being so upbeat for hours afterward,  I find I am tired, yes tired, even though I have severely cut down both my mileage and the intensity of the workout.

I look forward to the possibility of regular bowel movements as a part of my daily routine (who would have thought that this would be true) and we consider it a victory when we are both regular.  We even have pet names for the descriptions of our daily movements including a PPP or a “picture perfect poop” which is an excellent the way to start the day for sure.

This is not to say that we don’t celebrate the “other” aspects that a man and woman should share and we do but the spectrum of intrapersonal sharing has just changed so we can navigate this new phase of life together. 

It’s nice to know that I can ask him anything and he will give me an honest answer (even if I would like a sugar coated one instead.)  I do have the sense to stay away from the dangerous questions like, “do I look fat in this?”  do I look fat at all?” “is this the right thing to spend money on?”   These questions are not about intimacy but insecurity and we tend to be too honest with each other to wonder what the other thinks about foolish questions like that.  We reserve our questions for more important life changing ones like: “do I look as old as her?” “are my arms too flabby to wear this sleeveless top” or my favorite, “do you know where my phone is?”

One of the most important intimacies at our age that is not sexual or sensual is the one where we are not afraid to share our inner fears.  We know each other well and it is more than comforting to share your inner fears about how much we have forgotten as compared with what we used to know; how much weaker we feel than we used to, and how comforting it is to know that we’re not alone in this process.  Having someone to really share with and who looks forward to seeing you each morning is the key and I look forward to each sunrise because of him and our ability to share truthfully and tenderly.

Words with friends or foes?

I have succumbed to the popular game Words with Friends. It’s an interesting pastime.  It represents an opportunity to exercise our brains and to connect with friends and some non-friends (if you play random games). What’s most interesting is the cheating factor that comes into play...

We all know that some people cheat in all aspects of life but in such an insipid game as this, why? What are the signs of a cheater?  Cheaters come up consistently with non-words that the game seems to accept but the dictionary doesn’t.  They strategize and wait for that triple word space to become vacant so they can pounce on it with one of their boutique words that no one ever heard of in any conversation. They suddenly become brilliant with words such as “sixmos” which has an obscure reference in our current world.

What alarms me is my own feeling of having to teach the cheaters a lesson.  Why do I care?  Do they really appear smarter than me or is it just my competitive ego that takes over?  And what happens when the cheater realizes that you know she/he is cheating?  Don’t you just hate it when they resign or decide they are no longer interested in playing because they are bored with the game especially when secretly you find they still play with others...

Words’ cheaters are an interesting breed.  Why bother to play at all if you have to use a crutch constantly.  I was faced with an interesting dilemma: a close friend clearly cheated with a complex cheating program. How did I know?  Well when you know people, you have an idea of their vocabulary usage (former English teacher here). When I started seeing words of the “sixmos” variety, I was unsure how to proceed.  My friend told me that she was probably using an extensive cheat machine so I trolled the net looking for one.  To my surprise there were dozens of cheat programs.  Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of the whole reason for playing at all? Is this how we expand our vocabulary?

I picked one of the programs (which requires you to put in all of the letters used on a sample board and then to establish what kind of cheater you want to be from HS graduate to genius.  Of course I picked genius to see the best option. When we began to play with this cheat program together, he/she abruptly resigned. I have to be careful, she/he might read this.

I lose a lot of games but I win probably an equal amount.  There are people I play with whom I have never been able to beat and there are people I beat regularly. It doesn’t really matter to me if I win or lose; I just like trying to make inane words from bad letters (my chief complaint is I don’t get the good letters Ha). On occasion, I use the chat feature in the game to make an astute remark to my challenger like,” you get all of the best letters and I’m stuck with 7 vowels.)  I guess it is as with all games; to some it’s more about winning than playing.

Would you pick up a penny on the street?

Is the entire world of buy and sell today negotiable? Or is there just an ignorant conspiracy that just doesn’t care and if you don’t challenge it, you lose.

I find that I can no longer stop myself from reading purchase receipts.  I have watched others, mostly seniors on fixed incomes, do this for years.  Some mistakes seem to be penny bag types while others are egregious errors. 

Don’t know what a penny bag is?  When I was much younger and a new principal, I was told about the penny bag concept by a retired finance person.  She explained that the monies collected in a school on a daily basis never seemed to come out right so she kept a penny bag to add or subtract from the daily totals to make sure things (the bottom line) were correct.  This was shocking to me and I was happy that she was retired because isn’t the bottom line, the bottom line?  Doesn’t my checkbook always have to be exact?

We have raised a group of money collectors, credit card chargers, who cannot add, are too lazy to care, or rely too heavily on the machines in front of them to even “think” in any way.  The first shock came many years ago when McDonalds changed all of their registers to pictograms of the food without word identifiers.  It was their expectation that someone who applied and worked at McDonalds could not read or make change.  The problem is they were right to remove this thinking requirement from their staff.

What have we done to the current generation?  Considering the fact that this type of slippage in the education system was orchestrated by our generation, who is to blame?

I prefer to scan my own food at the checkout because I can watch the prices more carefully but who sets up the scanner and am I fooling myself that this is better?  Who calibrates the scale upon which I place my fruit? Who sets the codes for the bar reader?

We are in trouble and unless we challenge purchases on a regular basis, we lose money everyday.  I often resented the people in the line ahead of me who challenged something and then we all waited while the blinking light had to be reset to correct some small error, or so I thought.

It’s not just about the money but, to me, today, it’s more about the deterioration of our society; the educational deficiencies noticed on a daily basis.  And responsibility for this deficiency, what of that? I would have been mortified as a teenager if I gave the wrong change and I had to calculate it in my head. This generation just looks back at you with a blank stare not even understanding the value of the money you’re discussing.

I have moved recently and so I am stimulating the economy. I have purchased a number of items that needed to be returned.  The return was no problem in any of the stores I frequented, no questions asked.  But when I tried to explain that there was a qualitative problem with the item and I was returning it for a very specific reason; I received a blank “I don’t really care” stare and an unfeeling, sign this receipt look.

So I say to you all, challenge each receipt, hold the stores and their employees to task, or you may be told that your bill is more than it should be.  Maybe if we hold them accountable, things will change???

Happiness One Day at a time: I think I am becoming a state park geek…

Happiness One Day at a time: I think I am becoming a state park geek…: For the past few days, I have been visiting various state parks on Long Island and examining the wealth of opportunity offered by these st...

I think I am becoming a state park geek…

For the past few days, I have been visiting various state parks on Long Island and examining the wealth of opportunity offered by these striking outdoor spaces. The rationale that I offer for this new found love of state environments relates to the fact that I once was a runner. My knees are not what they used to be and instead of running, I now have to walk.  The audacity of it all!

If I have to walk then I want to have the nicest surroundings I can find and I am not averse to spending a little (a lot) of money on gas to get to a picturesque place to do my cardio.

What I did not realize is that there are so many offerings near my New York home and they are beautiful, free with my NY Passport pass, and have so many different venues; enough to satisfy my every whim I think for visual stimuli to support the indignant aspects of the walking issue.

The first thing I did was to download the app for my iPhone.  It’s called “Oh Ranger!  NY State Parks”.  Surprisingly it’s an excellent app and serves the purpose of any park visitor.  I can quantify and qualify my park visits by numerous factors including but not limited to hiking, biking, water views, shaded trails, etc.

I clearly prefer parks that have water views like the Great Bay, the Long Island Sound and more.  I also like parks that allow pets so I have options, many options.

I have decided that since I am a walker that I needed to beef up my “walk” to make it more enjoyable.  Even though the surroundings are fabulous, I need more incentive to get out there each day.  I have loaded a specific music selection on my iPhone that encourages walking rather than running and I wear shoes that also encourage walking rather than running but what I really have found most agreeable about these newly orchestrated exercise units is how I walk.  I sing (very loudly and probably very badly) and I dance rather than just walk.  Sometimes I strut like I did when I was a high school majorette.  I can tell that the people that pass me are amused at my unusual cardio experience but they are all smiling and waving at me (even from their cars).

Now you might think this is bothersome to me to be so recognized during the privacy of my exercise routine but, in fact, it has the opposite effect and makes me even more enthusiastic.  My dancing has gotten better since I usually listen to Santana and my signing, well, that won’t get better but I sing along to Frank Sinatra favorites. The combination of music, dance, and beautiful surroundings really brighten my day and keep me healthy. 

One final note on this issue of cardio activity; when I do my search for the park I wish to visit, I also look for the nearest outlet or strip mall that has some of my favorite stores.  If I am not too sweaty or poor, I go right to the mall for some retail therapy to complete my well rounded day.  The interesting thing is I actually buy less and browse more all the while still humming some of my favorite Sinatra tunes.  So I guess you’d say that while tightening my abs, I also seem to be tightening my wallet simultaneously.  Who could ask for more?

I am locked in the matrix...

The older I get, the more I realize that life is full of ambiguity and mystery; a carnival ride with short thrills filled with fleeting opportunities to reflect and where spiraling out of control is natural and periodic but still unexpected.

As I age, I find that I have become someone I don’t recognize but I’m not sure that is bad at all.  I thought I was a teacher all my life but I am learning that being a student is more relevant to me now as an identity factor.

I am an observer and I am a passenger not the driver and now I realize I never was.  I watch people a lot more as I realize that my life is on a collision course with mortality and reality, each one fighting for dominance.

My first real identity passion in life was in being a mother to my son whom I love dearly and always will but now, with the changing reality, I have to redefine what it means to be a mother to him. 

I have a great role model for an older mother and her name is Rose.  She is 87 and has aged gracefully.  I think her best attribute, and there are many, is her ability to be a shock absorber for her family.  She has learned long ago that there are no controls on her vehicle of life and accepts whatever comes her way in such a dignified manner.

Yesterday she told me how happy she is to clean, cook, and arise to greet each day.  I was a bit moody and immediately felt ashamed of my attitude. She was trying to teach me that time is so wasted on negativity and bad thoughts in general and that everything would simply turn out all right in the end.

My son was recently diagnosed with cancer and then got married and then told me I needed to redefine my relationship with him. I was hurt and confused; wouldn’t I always be his mother, the one who would run defense for him; teach him about life; be the one…

But now I have entered the next phase of motherhood which involves a lot of waiting and understanding. Now I am just another person in his very busy life and although he clearly loves me, I am not the one…

In the movie, The Matrix, everything that appeared to be was not what it seemed and when faced with this reality challenge, Neo had a near mental collapse and heart attack getting used to the substantial change in his reality.  That’s how I feel.  My reality is no longer in touch with my brain.  Suddenly a newly constructed one has replaced what I formerly thought was real and I am spiraling while I try to adjust.

As I look into the mirror, I am starting to get used to the face that glances back at me; this older woman who sometimes is gentle and sympathetic to the younger memory locked in our brain.  She smiles knowingly that I will have to join her in our newer reality and is waiting patiently for me to learn how to navigate in this new world of ours.

I am learning but it is difficult and emotional.  I am lucky that I have a partner in my journey, Joe, who also has his feet in the same changing and challenging river. Each step we take, though, erases our previous ones and thus our challenges are more so in the process.

I hope to be like Rose someday: the dignified supporting role of the wise and loving mother; here’s hoping I can.