Day 75: My happiness toolbox

Happiness requires effort and commitment every day of your life.  This sounds like a negative but it isn’t; think of your happiness like a good diet or weight loss regimen.  It requires a conscious effort and you must plan for it.

Some people by nature are not as happy as others for several reasons but mostly it comes down to nature or nurture I’m sure.  If you’re not a regularly happy person and believe me I know people who are, then you need to plan for your happiness.

Happiness, I have found, is clearly attainable regardless of the daily pitfalls and roadblocks out there to derail us.  You need to have your toolbox ready to ensure that you can counter the negative feelings that may emerge.  My happiness toolbox is filled with the necessary implements for righting my moody ship that may be tossing in the wind of despair.  You must have them at the ready to ensure a quick recovery or else you may need more assistance than simply regaining your balance.

Because my unhappiness can be caused by multiple issues and multiple people with whom I regularly interact, I have collected a variety of tools that can get me back when I need to.  What’s nice about these “tools” is that they are not obvious to others.

Some of them come from the advice of others like my sister or my best friends.  My sister knows how I love music so she tells me to sing a familiar song in my head to combat the negativity.  This actually works quite well however the louder the negativity, the louder I have to sing.  My best friend told me to keep a special picture of me looking happy on my cell to see what I need to look like to emulate the picture.  This, also, has worked.

What probably works best is to start the day, each day, with a plan to do something I really like so that when I encounter a negative force, I have something to look forward to.  It’s like eating your vegetables first…

Today will be a particularly difficult one for me and I am so ready to enjoy myself at its conclusion.  I will start with dressing up and looking fabulous so that even if the day gets over on me, I will look marvelous when it happens.  Then after the “event” I will be wending my way to walk a familiar path of my childhood to visit some old and dear friends.

We all encounter negative days; that’s life.  It’s how we react to them; whether or not we let them take us over or we stay in control is the key. Enjoy this lovely day;  I will after the “event”

Day 74: Doo Whop…

Music has always meant so much to me.  It has been the soundtrack to my life.  I appreciate the quality and tone of the music as much as the lyrics.  Now that I have lived nearly 60 years, I am especially appreciative of the singers from my youth who are still around and still providing quality concerts; especially ones in small venues where you feel the intimacy of the situation.

Tonight is Doo Whop in Brooklyn, New York.  What could be better than such a concert under the stars in Coney Island?  To me, Coney Island was made to be a center for entertainment of all kinds.  Whether or not you are watching “Shoot the Freak” on the boardwalk (which is sadly leaving), grabbing a dog from Nathan’s for dinner with (80 year old grease) or simply people watching, Coney Island is the place you must see and be.

When I returned to Brooklyn 6 years ago, I found so much of it looking the same yet so much of it was clearly different.  It was like the picture frame had stayed the same but the picture changed:  new people, new languages, new buildings here and there but the essence of Brooklyn has remained.  Coney Island is that section of Brooklyn that is a tintype of itself; a microcosm of old Brooklyn.  You still see the senior citizens hanging out on the boardwalk playing bocce ball (along side some recent immigrants playing Hip Hop music).  You are sure to notice the couples strolling arm in arm slowly talking about life as they go.  The children are everywhere asking for cotton candy, wanting to play the games of chance or ride the rides.  The rides have changed but they are still rides, the boardwalk is new (thank goodness) but it is still the boardwalk.  People still go to see others and be seen by others.  It is still a small town unto itself.

Tonight I will see “The Teenagers” (minus Frankie Limon of course) and they will be amazing.  When I close my eyes, their voices will carry me back to “old Brooklyn.”  When I open my eyes, I’ll be in Coney Island enjoying the sights of today’s Brooklyn, how great is that!

Day 73: The definition of success: the achievement of intention

I’ve heard how people define themselves by speaking about their successes or failures with measured details.  There is, of course, a distinct correlation between our success/failure rate and how we see ourselves (and our happiness quotient), at least there is for me.

Long ago someone told me that I would never be successful and that first person then became a part of a long succession (no pun intended) of individuals that seemed to think it was their job to tell me likewise. In retrospect, they all seemed to have one common characteristic; they appeared to be my friends, my guidance gurus, or my go to person.

First, my school counselor told me and my weeping mother (too bad she believed him) that I would never hold a 9 to 5 job and I better learn some secretarial skills for part time work.  Well actually he was right; being an educator is a 24 hour a day job and there were a lot of “secretarial” skills involved in the job.  Subsequently, a family member told me I could never be considered successful no matter what I did in the future because I chose a job that did not pay well, teaching, and to be successful you needed to make money, lots of it. Is that in the definition? 

Following this episode, there were numerous people that filed past me in life who told me I could never… (You fill in the blank).  Each time these individuals felt the need to define my life for me and draw the boundaries of my personal limitations, I felt the hairs on the back of neck rise up and realized that I was adamant about succeeding and rose to meet the challenge and prove them wrong.  What was confusing, in retrospect ,was that there were so many people who wanted to advise me about what I was incapable of in life rather than the reverse.

I recognize that part of my problem was that I was a “girl” and women did not have the right to consider achieving certain goals as I was growing up.  Even though I always wanted to be a teacher (and that is a fact), I remember there being only two choices for occupations for women anyway:  education and nursing in the 50’s and 60’s.

Now I realize something that took nearly a lifetime to understand:  I could have been anything I wanted to; I have the ability, the drive, and the common sense necessary.  But back then, there were no choices, and in fact, there were people standing in my way throwing verbal blockades at me saying, why bother, you’re just going to get married and have children anyway (like that was a dead end to life or the only conclusion to my world).

How is success defined?  I like to use sports as the model for success.  In baseball, to determine your batting average, you get rated on the percentage of times you hit the ball safely and get on base per “at bats”; this means that if you are batting .500 (almost inconceivable) and a top off the charts athlete; you have gotten on base with hits 50% of the time.  In banking, you only need to be solvent for a three year period to be successful. In some fields, you can be successful as the salesman of the month.  But how should I define success for me and others like me; the average people in this world?

I tried, I won, I lost… but more importantly, I tried: the achievement of intention.  Most people are afraid to try; afraid to even make an attempt for fear that others with their recriminations are waiting in the wings to chastise them for even trying and not being perfect.  I, on the other hand, am prouder of my attempts than of some of my traditional successes.  I am not afraid to fail.  I am unabashedly unafraid of trying almost anything. The only regret I may have in failure is if I did not learn something from it (right away at least).

Trying necessitates a bit of bravery I think.  Putting yourself out there for others to comment on requires bravery or at least bravado of a sort.  My problem is, I don’t think there is anything that I cannot do.  This may sound like bragging to some but it’s not.  It is just that if I put my mind to it, do the research necessary and if the situation is somewhat in my control, I could do it.  Obviously, I could not do some things like become a doctor of medicine since I am past the age limit in all 50 states (pity) but let’s be practical here since I am talking about real life.  I am a master of the achievement of intention…I can try and if I can try, I might just succeed and if I succeed, even in a small way, I’m happy.

Day 72: You’re Perfect to Me

Listening to the lyrics of Pink’s song “F.. ing Perfect” reminds me so much of my personal mission to say nice things to myself.  I think she said it so well which only affirms that I am not alone in my quest.

What is it about us, women in particular, that we do such harm to ourselves by doubting our very existence and the importance thereof?  Why don’t we see how we matter? Why do we consider ourselves so insignificant? We are we the worst judges of ourselves?  Why are we so mean?

I did a recent search on Lyrics.com to see how many men and women wrote about this issue.  I was overwhelmed at the response.  Over 2000 song popped up, obviously too many to read or review but the actual response was astounding. Writers write what they feel (no duh). The number of songs that reflected the imperfect aspect of who we are as individuals and the personal dissatisfaction of who we were was written predominately by women.  This is not to say that there aren’t men who feel the same way; I know this is true but the number of women who feel less than adequate about who they are is mind boggling. 

In my own personal journey,  I am finding some success at defending myself against my own mental fortress mostly through the eyes of friends and family but this societal mirror is not the best measure for repealing years of derogatory defamation by own head.  It is only through the actual retraining of my thinking that I am finding my minimal but steady success.

When I consciously hear the negative thoughts enter my mind; I have learned to stop and think about what I am saying to myself before going on.  This takes great fortitude but the results are dazzling.  I am starting to recognize the false voice that automatically comes out of my head and replace it with the voice of logic and truth instead.

Case in point:  when I encountered several negative situations that are rather serious this week alone, my response was to plan, act on this plan, and admire the results, which I might add, were very satisfying.  My personal calmness was a tribute to my newfound skill.  My persistence in identifying the miscues offered by my brain was met with a conscious appreciation for dealing with something that could have paralyzed me in other times.

What I have found is that retraining yourself is difficult and at times feels nearly impossible.  In reality, it is a matter of practice and taking each issue one at a time (when possible) and stopping to admire the small moments of success that I feel.  

Day 71: We are a prism of distinction; what colors are you made of?

So much of what we do as human beings is reflected in the prism of our personal growth. We are colorful descriptions of a lifetime of interaction with others and growth or lack thereof within ourselves.  In some cases, our growth may have been stopped or stunted as a result of a negative experience or a shortened life experience.  In other cases, our colors have developed into full spectrum displays dazzling others as we live each day.

When I look at people, I look for their colors and I think others do this as well consciously or unconsciously.  We seem to connect more easily to those with pleasing colors and we recoil from those with contrasting or harsh colors.  If colors are experiences than I guess we tend to look for those with similar experiences to bond with.

Growing up I could honestly say that I never had the parents I needed and in my father’s case (wanted).  I lived in an elaborate fantasy world to make up for the dearth of color in my life.  I clung to books and television to seek mental places to go and lived in a world of my choosing.  As a result, I find that I retreat to this world whenever my colors dim or start to fade. This is my island of repair; when I gain my strength and color back, I return to the real world, ready to take on what life has to offer. Life can be so confusing at times for all of us.  We see but we don’t understand; we believe but we are not sure why.

Those people who refuse to recolor their lives when they get dim with the dust of life may not realize what signals they are sending to others. Their lack of life rejuvenation is a warning to those around them like the thorns on a plant. I have two friends in opposite parts of life’s color spectrum right now.  One should be disabled by her life’s situation and she isn’t, the other shouldn’t be and is.  The difference is simple for me: one is ready to continue living and wants a vibrant life around her; the other is content to be morose and watch her colors continue to fade.

We all encounter life issues that work us over and leave us weak and troubled.  Life is like that. What is most important is that we regain our footing; start with adding one color to your repertoire at a time and move on from there.  I suggest pink…it works for me.

Day 70: Everyone needs a group of knights around a roundtable

Why did King Arthur create a cadre of men to sit around a roundtable?  (Yes, I know he wasn’t real and this is just a story based in some fact.)There were a myriad of reasons, all justifiable:

1.     The knights were constantly fighting each other for territory so he wanted to bring them together to stop fighting

2.    He used a roundtable so that no one knight would be appear to be more important than another and thus no fighting for the lead spot

3.    The round table was big enough to hold all of the important people leaving no one out.

4.    They could all see each other clearly and more importantly, watch each other carefully.

5.    He clearly needed advice for running the kingdom.

6.    He did not know the knights well and this was his chance to meet and work with them on a personal level.

Unfortunately, even though the idea was great, the plan failed, why?

1.     When people get together, someone has to always be in charge; and it is not necessarily the one you selected to be in charge that reigns.

2.    Even if the table is round, that doesn’t stop the development of a hierarchy.

3.    Some people are smarter than others.

4.    Some people never lose their need to be in charge even though they have nothing of value to say.

5.    Some people argue over any issue they can find.

6.    Some people have egos that cannot be suppressed for any reason no matter how altruistic.

7.    It’s difficult to make people believe in listening to others when they are not used to it.

8.     Sitting together does not make people respect others.

Although this concept did not produce the desired results, it did raise some important issues about government and the future of government (and friendship). There is a reason some people are inclined to be around others.  There are reasons why some people end up in charge of the group. 

What Arthur failed to do was to ensure that everyone felt important; everyone felt that they were being listened to and that everyone wanted to remain as a group regardless of the issue.  A strong issue can bring people together but it is not the glue that holds people together.   People need to feel wanted and that is the necessary grease that bonds us. Friendship or any other kind of human connection requires give and take; room for errors; opportunity for all to succeed and feel successful.

Although Arthur failed at his attempt to create a strong cadre of individuals for support, I have learned a lot from him in hindsight. I have no round table but I have a cadre of knights:  my friends and my family.  I rotate the responsibility for who is in charge (I no longer keep the mantle for me alone); I can lean as well as lead; I make sure each person knows how much they mean to me; and I keep a few chairs open for the new friends and colleagues that I make.  Thanks Arthur, you made my choices easier.

Day 69: When you fall in love…

Do you remember the first time you fell in love?  I do. The warmth that filled my face with identifiable redness, the skipping beat of my heart that I thought everyone could hear; the rosy colored view of all life I seemed to adopt.  I remember this so well.

Some people say that falling in love is merely biological. They argue that it is simply an integral part of our species’ search throughout the world for the proper mate for propagating but that doesn’t hold well with me.  It’s actually magical more than hormonal.  The knowledge that touching that singular person could be heart stopping; the realization that this person may never love you back at least not like you love him catches in your throat; and the hope that all of your dreams come true is a setting for a spiritual landscape.

Falling in love is so like falling:  the thrill, the nervous anticipation, the potential for hurt all present and accounted for in the process.  But what is it about another human being that makes them so desirable and unmistakably distinctive.  What do we sense in our spirit that tells us to be the moth to their flame?

I have never understood how someone I come into contact with can become that one in a million individual with whom I am so taken.  There is a familiarity from my soul to his, an unspoken understanding that says “he’s the one.”  The personal chemistry may not always be there and the feelings may not always be reciprocated but that doesn’t stop the heart from feeling what it does. What does a fluttering pulse mean to you?

The heart, I think, has its own set of coordinates that we do not understand and, I agree, sometimes the heart might benefit from having a brain; a dose of realism. But how delicious the feeling of love is anyway!  How fleeting the feeling could be as well!

Although I believe I have been in love at least three times in my life and only acted on two of these times (with some success), there is still the inkling that perhaps no one can find that perfect love ; the one written about in stories and on film; the illusive love; the love of fiction.  That standard for love, although highly unrealistic is marked by an intense passion, one that cannot be burned out by the monotony of daily events; one where the love is equally reciprocated and kept delicately in the hearts of the two who share it. True love is the bond of the ages marked by moments, gestures, and yet occasionally unnoticed like the sheer lace on an elaborate dress.

As long as people live and breathe, love will always be an essential ingredient even if it is fleeting and brief and unrequited.  We cannot live without love, which is why our hearts tell us to try and try again.  Love is the elixir of life.

Day 68: Remarkable People who don’t know it

I have met some noteworthy people in my time; the ones I like the best are the ones who don’t how amazing they are.   Some of them are talented naturally; others are schooled in their special skill (which does not detract from their talent at all.)

When I meet someone for the first time, there can be a human spark of understanding for me, a rare and exceptional occurrence.  I don’t always know why this happens but it does with certain people.  It’s like I get a preview of who they are and it is almost always a great feeling when this occurs. 

When I was 15, I met a young man who was different in this way with a special skill that emanated from him almost like sunlight behind a picture.  He approached me one day and I saw this sensitivity, warmth and toughness all at the same time. He talked but I couldn’t really listen because his “light” was too mesmerizing and inconsistent with his words. He was ordinary and extraordinary at the same time and he was totally unaware of this uniqueness and still is even at 59 years of age.

He is a documentary film maker now.  He has spent his life noticing things that other people need to see.  He has a special eye and mind that see details in snapshots of time.  He has no idea though how exceptional he is. 

When we speak from time to time, it’s like we’re 15 again which is fun and disconcerting at the same time.  He is so youthful that he borders on a level of maturity that is baffling but when he reaches into his brilliant part; his archival mentalist viewpoint, he stands as a giant among men.

People who possess these skills are daunting to speak with on any occasion but people who represent such a dichotomy are inexplicable and enjoyable and stimulating all at once. It’s like going on a ride at an amusement fair: thrilling, brief, but leaving you wanting for more.

His youthful exuberance matched with his serious eye towards detection of the human condition make him exceptional. He is a rare youthful personality that will never grow old and talking with him on occasion makes me feel the same way.  I am lucky to have met him. Thanks JC for being you and letting me see the light. 

Day 67: The Signs of summer, Ahhhhhh!

What are the signs of summer and why do they make us beam with delight?  There are so many visions that bring a warm smile to my face.  Can you picture this? Skinny shirtless boys riding their bikes in 95 degree heat with broad smiles on their faces forgetting their safety so as to ride shakily without holding the handlebars.  Lemonade stands with real pitchers of iced drink for sale at a nominal price; the faces of people who are sitting and smiling at the beach drenched in sweat and sun tan oils; Washing your car in the morning and not minding getting wet so as to evade the heat of the afternoon.

The memories of past summers are deeply and willingly engrained in my mind like the creases in my smile:  The faces of friends reddened by the heat of the day; Our refusal to accept the force of the sun and putting baby oil and iodine on our skins to enhance the sun’s strength for tanning; walking down to the corner store to buy a soda and some ice cream; collecting bottles to return to the store to get the money we needed to buy the soda and ice cream; sneaking onto a neighbor’s property to sit under their tree for relief and maybe use their tire swing while we are there.

Is it the memory of our youth that makes me smile or simply the fact that these summer rituals (well some of them) get repeated generation by generation each year?  What is it about summer that makes us feel freer than before?  Perhaps it is the option of more play for us even as adults that strengthens our love of summer.  Perhaps it is the fact that our clothes are stripped to their bare minimum that encourages us to be playful or even foolish.

I like to think of summer as a time for regenerating, rebuilding our personal strength to face the colder and harsher days ahead.  The cycle of our yearly life is an exquisite one with multiple parallels to our overall life expectancy.  How lovely that we can regenerate our humble existence on a periodic basis.  How magnificent is it that our memories can fill us with comfortable scenes of the past to relive and review at our leisure.

I love summer.  I love how it makes me feel, how it makes others feel. Enjoy the day my friends.

Day 66: Cheers to all who helped...

Just recently I have ventured out to the pasture of my long and colorful memory to see who is still out there; which friends and colleagues long lost could be found.  This is a daunting concept to me because you never really know how people feel about you until you try to reengage them in your life even if it is just through cyberspace.

Of course, Facebook was my first passageway into the eons of days past and Google my second but I tripped through all of the solvent social networking systems including Twitter to find the still life fragments of my past. As I was flipping through the pages of cyberspace, I found more than I could handle at times: some sad, some happy and the volume of names was difficult to consume.  There was a sad realization though: a lot of my contemporaries were gone.

The older you get, the more you feel your mortality but nothing smacks of mortality like the death of contemporaries. I am now used to viewing the older faces (the smiles and the eyes are always still the same) that I found although some of them still look amazing (good genes and better living I expect). It was the understanding that so many friends had already died of illness, natural causes, accidents, and more.  It seems that I had waited too long to contact some of my favorite memory people and how I regret this.

How many times have you wanted to contact someone who made you happy in the past and so you set a mental reminder to tell someone how much they meant to you and didn’t? We tend to think we have all the time in the world yet our clocks are clearly ticking down everyday.  As a result, I have dedicated some time each day to speak with a friend or colleague, to thank them for something they have done with or for me in the past; I have resolved to do this until I have exhausted this lengthy list I have produced.

I have many people to thank for helping me over the years.  They come in all ages, sizes, and cultures.  As I go through this process, I am reminded that I would never have been successful without the help of an army of support.  It’s good to be grateful for what you have; it’s better to thank those individuals who made it happen.  Sometimes the smallest gesture was the most significant in a single event.  Many times people are unaware of what role they even played in your life scenario. Telling them what they did for you or what you witnessed them doing for others is a joy.  In my mind’s eye, I can see them back, in their youth, years ago, relieving the event in their minds as we talk and remember.  It’s a great and rewarding experience.  Here’s to you old friends, all of you, who made life remarkable for me.

Day 65: Keep Your Distance Please…

The older I get, the more I need my space, my personal space.  Crowds, even small ones (is that an oxymoron?) are difficult for me to navigate and I find my patience wearing thin as I try.  What is it about some people that they seem to have no understanding of my needs?  What about their personal space, don’t they have requirements as well?

I am a born and bred city girl, the city, NYC, so why aren’t I conditioned to accepting the wall to wall people banging into my shoulders as I walk the walk? My personal space is my real estate that travels with me wherever I go and it’s not for sale.  When I allow you to enter my space, it means that we have a relationship; you are invited and it should not be an accidental encounter. The closer you get, the more intimate the space is and the more uncomfortable I get for those bounders who enter uninvited.

It is disconcerting to me that no one besides me seems to mind.  A friend of mine told me that some people have no personal boundaries and so I did a little investigation.

It appears that each culture has their own sphere of space that is acceptable to them and mine is widening as the days go on.  In some cultures, people prefer to be close as they talk, very close. I like to watch a person’s face when they speak to me and if they are too close, I naturally pull back. Does that make me look standoffish? With other cultures, there seems to be a lot of touching as they communicate regardless of personal familiarity. I am a “toucher” as I talk but only to people I have a predetermined relationship with of course.

It has been documented that people in crowded cultural communities have less sensitivity to personal space such as those in large crowded cities like New York and in countries like India. Interestingly enough, affluent individuals require more personal space regardless of culture. Does money afford you that extra legroom?

My psychological bubble is supposed to be 18-32 inches for intimate encounters according to scientists (an arm’s length).  My stranger space distance is supposed to be 4 feet to 8 feet so I guess I see my problem.  Where in NYC am I going to find 4 feet plus to walk without encountering strangers in my intimate space?

I just would like people to begin to develop a spatial empathy or responsiveness so they can be conscious as they walk down the street before they smash into me knocking me aside. Or perhaps they could simply acknowledge crashing into me with a nod, or some other humanistic response; that would help. Am I asking too much? If they did, it would make me happy…

Day 64: Color My World

Each day, I dress for a color, do you?  I check my emotional pulse and then I dress for the color I feel.  Colors are particularly important to me and like other animals on earth; my color choice says a lot about me.

Bold colors say I ready for anything, just ask me!  I like the strong colors of purple, bright blue, red and bright yellow to show others that I am ready for playing.  My color choice seems to correspond to the amount of sunshine outside (coincidence, no).  The brighter the day, the more I want to add to the ambience of the moment.

Darker days both outside and inside my head draw me towards the black clothes (of which I have too many) to demonstrate my feelings. Pink says I’m playful; silly maybe; feeling up and bouncy. Orange and blue mean simply it’s a Mets day and I’m ready for the game. 

There is a regional colorization to different parts of the United States that I have noticed.  New Yorkers wear black as a standard even on the hottest of days in the dead of summer.  It says beware and I’m tough or simply don’t mess with me.  Floridians wear pastels all year even though the winter may be cool which says I’m laid back; think I’ll go lounge by the pool.  Californians seem to wear mixed colors probably left over from the 60’s which many of them have not had the sense to leave behind.I call this the tie dye effect.  People from the western states have a myriad of denim colors too numerous to mention which says, I can rope you a steer, even though many of them have never even touched one.

Regional colors are the most interesting because they address the collective consciousness of the environment as well as the individual pleasures of the person and many people seem to stay within their range even after they move from their home base.  When I’m in Florida, I can always tell a New Yorker who’s either visiting or transplanted…the ever present black outfit.  And I don’t need to look at license plates to tell someone from Florida in New York; it’s strikingly opposite and contrary to the environment.  Maybe this is why so many of them get picked off by thieves and pickpockets.

Although I am aware of this dressing scenario, I assure you the selection of the colors I wear is much more subliminal than you might think.  I believe this ritual of color selection is closely associated with other animals in the kingdom.  It is a colorized warning system for all to observe.

It’s a good idea to understand what we project to others even before we open our mouths. People are conditioned to respond to colors with emotion and intellect. I think today, I’ll wear yellow and head to the beach.

Day 63: How Do You Check Your Oil?

You are supposed to check your car’s oil every other time you fill your tank.  Do you do this?  I have never done it because I rely on my car’s computer to tell me “what is what” and when to do anything and I shouldn’t.

There are two schools of thought about checking your oil and thus two commonly used methods to do this.  One way says to be sure your car is on level ground and then check the cold engine using the dipstick.  Another expert says be sure your car is on level ground and then run the engine for 2 minutes and then check the oil. I personally subscribe to the latter method.

People are like cars, we need to get our engines warming up before someone attempts to take our emotional temperature. As a teacher, the term dipsticking was used frequently to check for student understanding before proceeding to another more complicated or more important topic.  In the everyday world, we take a lot for granted when we assume that people in our communication link understand us.  The truth is they probably don’t. 

People ramble on in conversations for minutes before they start to notice the lack of understanding or attention the other person is paying to the conversation. We tend to have one of two reactions:  “you’re not listening to me!” or “you don’t care about what I am saying.”  In either case, the speaker is usually wrong.

We need to start our conversations, especially important ones, with an opening of sorts that stimulates the other person’s brain, something perhaps relevant to them.  Once we get their attention, then we can travel into to more relevant matters that may require a decision or a response.  I make this mistake all of the time and I have firmly resolved to start talking to people in my teacher voice instead.

I have resolved that I am going to capture their attention first and then proceed.  A case in point:  I moved last January.  I still have been unable to change my legal address with one of my banks.  I filled out their forms twice on their website and through emails, made phone calls twice and then wrote separate letters three times and sent them by snail mail. Recently, I received another form from the bank saying the post office has informed them of my move and to please contact them to provide evidence of this.

Today, I called again and of course I was immediately transferred to a call center in India.  A nice English as a second language (ESL) young Indian man answered my call at a call center.  His English was stilted but understandable.  We discussed my issue and he was unable to do more than repeat the standard facts; fill out the forms, send an email, send a letter. In my mind’s eye,  I could see the dialogue sheet in front of him while he read me my choices. 

I decided to apply my teacher’s knowledge and practice what I am preaching.  I asked him where he was right now.  He said India.  I asked him how long he had been speaking English.  He said over five years.  I asked him then what he would do for his mother if she were unable to change her address with this bank.  He said that he would have her fax him the information and he would transfer it for her.  I asked him if I could be his mother for moment. He paused.  I could hear him smile on the other end of the phone.

He gave me the fax information but told me he already changed my address online for me but the fax would confirm the change.  I thanked him profusely and told him I was a former ESL teacher and offered him a suggestion. I told him how frustrated Americans get with the call center concept.  I also told him that his speech although accurate was too slow and that he over enunciated his English which made it more difficult to understand. I practiced with him on the phone for a moment.  He was appreciative and warm as a result.  Before getting off of the phone, I received a confirmation email from him that my address had in fact been changed.

I suggest that we all subscribe to method two when checking your oil is my advice.  Get the motor running before checking the accuracy of your oil.  Use your dipstick with people before expecting them to hear important information, especially if it matters to you….

Day 62: Where are the breadcrumbs when you need them?

Although it seemed like a great idea to leave breadcrumbs to mark their path, Hansel and Gretel soon learned that their method was unsound and impractical. What do you do when your path totally disappears? It’s unsettling when your feet don’t know where to step; when your path is uncertain and disappearing before your very eyes.

We all fall into this uncertainty once in a while; some more than others but what do you do when it happens? How do you control your anxiety, your pounding heart when you feel so lost? I experienced this recently and it’s a dreadful sensation.  I have a friend who is experiencing it now. We probably all do, even if we are unaware.

Herodotus, the ancient Greek philosopher, said that you can never put your foot into the same river at the same point ever in life and maybe we should listen to him. Maybe there is a reason that God instructed the birds to eat the breadcrumbs dropped by Hansel and Gretel; maybe the message should be that we must never try to retrace our steps but simply move forward.

There is surely a comfort in repeating our recognized path; worn into a comfortable, familiar, safe and organized way. It’s easy to argue the safety of remaining where we are; even when we aren’t really safe at all but fearful of change.  It’s easy to keep our eyes focused so we don’t stray but it is the right thing to do after all?

Joni Mitchell said that “God often underthrows” so we have to reach to obtain (I know I am really paraphrasing here) but why do the challenges in life come when we are so vulnerable.  Human beings are emotional creatures who are often unable or unwilling to recognize our own frailties. Being vulnerable is not so bad as long as we are willing to share this characteristic openly and honestly and there’s the rub.

We all have a tendency to hide when we are weak and exposed. Most animals hide to lick their wounds to ensure that no other animal will take advantage of this disadvantage and capitalize on it but when we do so, we also cut off the help we could get, the help we surely need to heal.

This is for you MC. As a caregiver personality, you have trouble letting others care for you.  Your path has recently changed dramatically, as has mine.  My equilibrium has returned because I allowed others to guide me to a new path; to care for me in my damaged state. My vulnerability became a strength not a weakness and I know how. What I gained was not just a new path but the knowledge that no matter which path I took, I wasn’t alone, my struggle was armed with arms of care, love and support and that is what life is all about. Know this and you’ll never worry about finding the breadcrumbs again.

Day Whatever: What is perception?

Although we rely heavily on our perceptions to know what we feel; our perceptions may be flawed and thus our reactions may be equally imperfect.  If you want to be happy, you have to know when happiness touches you; you must be based in the common reality of your environment; which means you may have to defy your own perceptions sometimes to do this.

I have been writing this blog for a while and I have gotten a number of encouraging comments but I stopped writing thinking that my “blogation” was becoming a non-entity unto itself.  Although I received many encouraging remarks, I thought people were being “kind” and I was becoming a verbal blog pest with my daily emails.  My perception told me this.

My perception is based on my self-image and when your self-image is flawed with negative voices (my own totally) the result is negative perceptions and possibly unsound responses to issues.  I am happy to report that I received so many positive and encouraging responses from my readers that I have decided to resume the blog.

It is always good to verify your perceptions with others; to bounce ideas and concepts off of others to ensure that you are on the right track; in the common vernacular so-to-speak; in touch with reality.  I started this blog to train the negative voices in my head to think better about my self concept and I fell right into my own mental trap.

This is what we all need to understand; we don’t know how we are perceived by others because we have our own layers of misunderstanding blocking the voices and perceptions of others.  It’s a lot like hearing yourself sing.  You think you are in tune, you think your voice is “nice”.  You may be totally off key.  I guess my perceptions were off key this time.

Thank you to all who encouraged me to restart this blog; (too many to thank); It has been officially recommenced. The truth is, I like writing this blog and enjoy reflecting on what I feel and sharing my real self with those who read it.  It actually makes me happy…

Day 60: Good bye

Well this is it;  I have decided to close down the blog.  Thanks to all who encouraged me in my writing.  I have truly appreciated your support,

Pam

Day 59: Obstacles are just stuff to get around

We all hit snags and obstacles in our lives; some are large and unforgiving, others are more reasonable and practice for the larger ones.  Regardless, we all have multiple blockages to our daily life sequence.

I think most hurdles are there for a reason… rehearsal for the future.  Without preparation, life can be daunting and problematic but with a little life training, you can accomplish your goals and meet the challenges of life.

I have seen many kids grow up around me in m y job of education and I always worried about those who seemed to have a gifted existence.  God will always hand you a bill sooner or later and the more opportunity you have with difficulties in life, the more you can handle the big bill when it arrives.

Like many people with a harsh upbringing, I lamented my status in life and wondered why “this was happening to me.”  Now, though, I realize that the “training” I received was a thorough one for handling what comes forward in my life.  There is always some positive to every situation and sometimes it is difficult to discern the “goodness” until much later.  I am a case in point.  Life has taught me so many lessons, some I have learned well and others yet to be absorbed.  Each lesson has a moral or conclusion that needs to be examined.  At this point in my life, I have the luxury to reflect and see the effectiveness of my personal education and it serves me well.

I have learned several crucial aspects to life:

         

Some people never learn from their mistakes and are doomed to repeat these behaviors over and over ad nauseum

          If you live another day, the world will seem kinder and more reasonable regardless of how harsh life was to you the day before

          People recognize the value of those individuals who are veterans of complicated life scenarios since we all have difficulties at some point and we tend to value those with genuine experience

          Life is more understandable to those who have suffered and learned from their suffering

          It is better to have the opportunity to learn from your mistakes at an earlier point in life than later especially if you have loved ones around you to guide you through the issue

Obstacles are worthy opponents who are placed in our path to strengthen our resolve. Without them, we are only surface dwellers who never truly understand the value of life and tend to take it for granted.  I never thought I’d say this but I am happy for the depth and breadth of my life.  

Day 58: Buy one get one free…

What is it about a bargain that gets our hearts pumping?  I equate it to gambling and winning; after all you are winning something, a crucial and valuable free…box of noodles?

We all love bargains, especially surprise ones.  Did you know that advertisers pay supermarkets extra money to stack their products on the end of the aisles because it is more noticeable to consumers?  You can always tell if a market is a Coke or Pepsi preferred store by where these products are stored. Wherever one is stored the other is hidden in the middle of the aisle stocked between millions of other lookalike brands.

All of these concepts are ways in which we are easily manipulated by the product industry.  But why are we so susceptible to these tactics?  We love something on sale, especially in this economy; we love to get something for nothing.  What I want to know is why I need an extra can of sauce when I make my own sauce every week. 

The concept of a bargain makes us feel wise and prudent.  We are clearly saving money and what could be better than that?  What I want to know is would I have purchased that item anyway?  How long has it sat on the supermarket shelf before my eager fingers picked it up?  Will it sit forever on my shelf?  Did I really need it?  Did I really want it?  Was I just manipulated into buying it?

I don’t know if I will really get to the bottom of these issues but I am clearly making my way to the cashier now and the last minute impulse purchases stocked at the cashier are really appealing.  I should never go shopping when I am hungry, that’s always a gigantic mistake!

I figured that I spent an additional $25 more than I intended today; I forgot to use the coupons I brought with me; and I did not get all of the items on my list but I’m happy,  I got one free…

Day 57: Love is never lost nor should it be…

Love is an imprint on time that can never be erased; nor should it be.  It’s hard for me to understand that love is ever wrong although it can clearly cause problems.  But what do you do with an old love, old feelings, old relationships that are no longer practical or possible?

We all have these ghosts of years past in our minds and hearts.  I prefer to remember them and not to forget them.  My heart leaps from the good memories and growls from the ones that are not so worthy.  We are all prisoners of the past in so many ways but we seem to leave a trail of mental breadcrumbs that can always lead us back to those places.

I prefer to paint all past relationships with the same brush; the brush of kindness.  If the memory is not so remarkable, the feeling may still be respectable.  I like the feeling of such memories; the almost tingle that you get when you can recall the event, the time, the place, the reminiscence.

If we can allow ourselves the luxury of such an enjoyment, we can embrace today with even more celebration and affection.  The echoes of love are everywhere in our lives.  We can see the faces of our exes in our children’s eyes. We see the past and representations of love through our friends’ lives. We watch as those around us go through personal changes which may require leaving important people behind, even if it is for the moment.

Probably one of the most difficult aspects is what to do with the loves of the past when they interact with the loves of the present.  The best answer I know of is to allow them to intersect gracefully and organically.  In other words, let things happen naturally.

Love is never bad.  Love is never lost.  Love is never forgotten. It’s an energy that lives on its own; generates its own power. Be happy that you get to love again and leave your heart open to enjoy the memories of the past.  You will be richer for it.

Day 56: the Family Event

Each year, many families get together for that once in a year moment, the summer bash.  It’s wonderful to see how the kids have grown, the adults look healthy but older, and the world seems right.  Today is such a day and sun is being cooperative.

The purpose of such an event is to bring family together most of whom you do not get to see throughout the year.  We’re all so busy and living our separate lives that at least once a year, we recognize the value and importance of seeing each other and playing together. There is the occasional ball game or game of horseshoes for some.  Others choose to nap in the warmth of the sunshine getting that much needed rest.  I like watching the matriarchs of the family get together and speak of the old days; of who is sadly missing now and how things have changed.

Families are interesting structures in the human ecosystem.  We are thrown together by genetics for some and marriage or relationships for others.  We share commonalities especially for the genetic relationships that are tough to miss.  There are the strong personalities, the similarity in eye color, and the unmistakable genetic thread that runs through the family structure deeply into the children and the children’s children.

I like the idea of the strong family that attempts to stay together especially in these difficult times.  Although we don’t always share the same views in politics or child rearing (the other politics); its good to know that such durable families still exist in a world that tends to separate and sort more than bring folks together.

We all dread the family event until we get there and see the smiles; the familiar and warm hugs and the never ending series of, “don’t you look great!” that we all long to hear. Families are more important now than ever; be a part of a strong family, it’s something we all should treasure.

Day 55: To sleep perhaps to dream…

Nothing can estimate the value of a good sleep or lack thereof.  The older I get, the more sleep can be an elusive butterfly and the effect of a limited sleep can be devastating.

As a younger woman, when I missed sleep on occasion, I knew I had the capacity to live the day through this limitation. I pulled energy from another source (not sure where except youth is a source of energy unto itself). I knew that the next night would be a deeper and more restful sleep as a result.  But at this age, these factors are not true anymore.

Sleep is something that eludes me on a regular basis and I’m not sure how this can be prevented. Sometimes, I lay awake thinking of concerns or worries, most of which do not materialize into anything of import.  Other times, aches and pains seem to wake me too often.

Sleep is one of the things I value the most these days;  I consider it a sign of great health and good feelings when I sleep through the night.  I can tell my friends are in the same mode as I am when we see each other on Facebook in the middle of the night farming at 3 am.

I am not one of those people who can lay in bed awake;  I have to get up and do something to pass the night away.  Usually, I watch TV, especially the old movie channels.  Watching a good black and white can really give me calmness and peace.  On occasion, it makes me fall asleep and restful.  Other times when I am too far from the arms of Morpheus, I just go to the computer and try to do something of value.

I wish sleep wasn’t such a difficult enterprise but I understand it is very normal.  I have tried sleeping pills and herbal supplements which work on occasion but only on occasion.  I have a theory as to why the older we get the more difficult it is to sleep.  I think it has a lot to do with an aging body and the fact that we are no longer under warranty.  Also, we have a lot on our minds these days: we have a certain luxury…time…time to worry about our relatives and friends, time to think about those who have already passed, time to delve into the future of our lives.

I figure that at least I am alive to frustrate myself in this manner.  Living is better than the alternative.  Sleep is just one of those special events that escape us from time to time.

Day 54: Happiness is a form of courage. ~Holbrook Jackson—“and takes some planning at times” (me)

Let me tell you that it takes courage to be happy and detail it in a public writing forum. This leaves an opportunity for critique from others as they examine my statements and reflect on my experiences. Armchair thinkers are always at the ready to examine the work of others and present their views, especially negative ones. Although I receive more positive feedback than negative; it’s important to look at both sides as I continue my writing journey.

I think you have to look for joy in the small day to day circumstances as well as the larger passages of your life but most of my writings were, in fact, reflective rather than projective into the future. Today, I am going to look for my “forward happiness” instead.  I am going to plan future happiness options instead of using the process of reflection.

In planning my day I need to formulate what will make me happy.  I have decided on the following:

•    No running today because I have an injury so I will walk instead.  This means I need to plan and download some new music for my IPod so I am happy walking and not encouraged to run (this is difficult but not impossible)
•          I am going to update my iPad with new and updated apps; it’s always fun to see what’s new for the amazing iPad
•         Hit the beach after my walk and soak up the sun; bought a new bathing suit which is both mature and flattering at the same time… can’t wait to wear it!
•    Try on some old clothes later on and defrock my closet of useless items (this always makes me feel good since most of the clothes are too large now and reaffirm my significant weight loss.)
•    Plan a spicy dinner; may be something new and intricate;  I love cooking new dishes
•    Take my car to the car wash and make it look brand new…

Most of us make lists for the day so this idea is nothing new.  What is out of the ordinary is what is on my list; it’s all about me and what I want to do to make myself feel joyful Happiness can be planned and given a boost to ensure a better result for any individual.  Be happy today, make plans to give yourself what you deserve and need, it works!

Day 53: How to build a kitchen and a relationship

There is nothing that builds or challenges a relationship like redoing a kitchen.  If you don’t know what makes your mate tick, you will once you sit down to design and redo your kitchen.

Kitchens are very personal; eating is very, very personal.  Kitchens are about eating and living and nothing is more particular than that (except the bathroom for some).  I suppose that is why kitchens are considered the heart of the home, especially to me.

Kitchen remodeling shows a lot about each of us.  What do we value?  What kind of appliance is essential? What gadgets are superfluous, which are crucial? Which colors make you contented and ready to cook? How vital is light to you?

This is our first kitchen remodel together and we are doing well in hindsight but the day to day decision making process is still challenging.  We actually like a lot of the same things but we operate differently and so our decision making processes are exclusive.  What I do realize is that eventually we get to the same place just at different times.

We both like light that’s significant.  We both like the Tuscan look; that’s a plus.  We both like eating…and cooking and that is the problem.  People have cooking styles and personalities and thus may require different appliances or space at times.  I believe in the cooking/ washing triangle in the kitchen; fewer steps more action.  I also believe in creativity in the kitchen.  He is more process oriented and direct.  He is a step by step person and doesn’t like skipping steps.  I prefer the more holistic approach; the big picture first and teasing out the smaller details second.

We are surviving the process and the result will be a magnificent kitchen but more importantly, our relationship will be better, firmer, and grounded in our new kitchen.  I like the fact that we are doing better than surviving with this new kitchen as our catalyst.  It is clearly a test of our relationship and I am happy we’re making it.