You know that time of the night when it’s morning to you but not
to any one else? That’s the time that I
have a myriad of conversations with people in my head. I argue, I love, I cry, I think….too much.
It seems to happen more now that I am older and I am positive that
this effort is a totally useless activity.
I say all the things to the ghosts of people present, past and probably future
that I want to say, need to say, feel obligated to say. Now there is nothing wrong with this except
for the fact that I assume what these people would say back to me and I am
usually wrong in determining their responses.
Our perceptions of what people think is usually full of
misunderstandings and so we torture ourselves with what we believe other people
are thinking with very little evidence to support our beliefs. Example:
I haven’t heard from my friend in a while so she must be angry with me
for some forgotten promise? Not true,
she is just busy with her life as I am as I learned yesterday.
Nighttime presents some unusual opportunity for these one-sided
conversations. The nighttime darkness actually seems to lend itself to this suspension of belief and allows my mind to wander off; spiral off in multiple
directions down alleyways of directionless and really mindless channels.
After I argue all of my pointless points with the ever unpresent,
I feel no better, no more resolved than anyone would sporting a one-sided
conversation should. So why do
this? Well this self-inflicted game is
no more controllable than assuming you can make the sun rise faster.
What I have learned recently is how to break the syndrome when I
realize that I am caught in this web of regret and pointless offline discussion
thread. I reach across the bed and put
my arm around Joe. Touching him, feeling
his warmth and comfort seems to relax me; in fact, release me from this
struggle and makes me realize that all I have to worry about is making his
lunch for work…is that bad?
Such an accomplished writer you are . . .
ReplyDelete