Thursday, October 2, 2014

Is Grief a form of happiness?


As most of you know, my son died from cancer recently.   As a result, I am grieving and on some days I’m great and others not so.  Grief is a personal experience and is different for each and every one of us.  In our American culture, we honestly don’t know what to do with grief and so we hide behind platitudes and useless expressions of condolences without really understanding the true nature of the grieving process.

When I see people or speak with them on the phone, I find that they don’t know what to say.  I understand this as I have had the same experience as a friend of a grieving one.

I have several observations that I would like to share.  First and foremost, when you don’t know what to say, that is a sign to listen to the other person.  Some of us who are grieving need to talk, to remember; to think about our recently lost loved one.  We know you don’t want to hear any gruesome details about the end of our loved one’s life and, in fact, we don’t want to share these as well.

So many people have a need to tell me their stories and that is natural as well although I, personally, am not ready for anyone’s else’s death stories as I am too deeply engrossed in my own reality. Still there are others who feel the need to tell me how much worse it’ll be in the years to come.  Is this really something you want or need to say to me?  Do I need to have more dread of the future?  To be honest, the future does not scare me and I know, for me, it will not get worse; there is no worse for me to experience in my life.  The loss of child is the unhappiest experience with no bottom to the pit of despair; but I choose to be immersed in my positive memories and private joys of my life with him instead.

Others are afraid of talking to me at all so they change the subject as quickly as possible.  Still others are squeamish and perhaps the word “cancer” sets them to fear and distress and they don’t want to share with the grieving person. I, myself, cannot listen to a cancer commercial (and there are loads of them on TV) so I mute the TV and I guess that is normal.

Some people are afraid to share their joys, grandchildren stories or just family stories.  I love hearing about your families and how wonderful your lives are.  I am not jealous of your lives or personal joys and I ask you all to tell me every detail with a broad smile and enthusiasm.

So what do I want from my friends and family?  I like to remember my son as a vibrant, intelligent, and much loved individual; one whom was famous or infamous for his fast talking; fast eating; life that amazed so many.  I enjoy thinking of him as a child, a teen, and an adult.  I enjoy remembering some of our fights, our laughs, and our average days together.  Most of my memories are of Jeremy ages 0-21 since that is the range of time we lived together (if you count college as living together).

My memories are beautiful, vivid and distinct and bring a smile and a few tears to my eyes.  I enjoy celebrating who he was to me and to others.  I love hearing from his friends who tell me about their distinct memories.  Everyday is an “Our Town” day for me striving to recollect the most insignificant day and enjoy that day as a perfect memory.  So if you don’t know what to say, just listen… and let me share my beautiful son with you.