Friday, April 17, 2015

Is happiness hidden in the past…look back and see



When you’re worried and you can’t sleep just count your blessings instead of sheep…  People often ask me how I am now that Jeremy is gone.  That’s an interesting question because I am … different.  My doctor gave me some strong advice, he said” You won’t get over it, you’ll just get used to it.”  I have; I am getting used to it.

Love is an unquantifiable emotion; even when you’re very young; the depth of your emotion is difficult to describe; why do we love; how do we relate to love; is love a natural occurrence; does it require some special gift? Once you love someone; that depth of emotion never leaves you; it is the pattern for your next attachment.  I am lucky; I have loved deeply in my life and I continue to love as strongly as ever; maybe more so.

I can count my major love experiences and recognize the value of each and every one: my mother and sisters, my dogs, my first best friend, my first high school crush; Jim; Jeremy, Joe, my friends, and myself.  I have not always loved myself as I should have and I am still learning to treat me as I should be treated… like a great friend. 

My past is filled with joys, excitement, successes, friendships, love, and great memories.  I have done a few things right and I need to remember that; picture albums are great for this but they usually don’t capture the moments we want to remember.  I like to think about the average mundane day when nothing special happened and realize how lucky I was and am to have these memories.

I enjoy remembering and counting the times I laughed out loud; smiled deep within my heart; cried and almost wet my pants with laughter; read my first favorite book; reread my favorite book; met someone special; helped someone deal with disappointment; helped someone succeed; how I held my son every time I did until the end…

Now I look at pictures of smiling faces, especially Jeremy’s smiling face.  I think his goofiest moments were the best but I also enjoy remembering his first tattoo; his first girlfriend; his many successes; his Herman Munster laugh so hearty, so genuine.

I am happy; I am lucky; I have loved; I continue to love.  I don’t count sheep, I count my blessings.


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