Happiness is learning to see with your heart…

People ask me how I survive the days post Jeremy; my response is direct and simple: long ago I learned to see things with my heart instead of my eyes.  My heart has grown throughout my life; leading me to unexpected  paths and has taught me how to live on in spite of life's difficulties by immersing myself in life's joys both present and in the past.

You see, my heart always tells the truth but my eyes seem to lie occasionally or so I believe.  For instance, whenever I look in the mirror, I have a hard time reconciling the face I see.  Who is that “older woman” looking back at me? She smiles a lot like I do.  She has wise eyes like I do but she is just a bit different than my heart tells me I am.   

Most of the time, I am  35 in my mind and heart.  It was a good age for me: professionally experienced; personally experienced; and happy with my life.  I was going in the right direction.

Jeremy was 5 then and a most inquisitive and engaging child; fun to be with and distinctly different from me and his dad.  It was exciting to watch him grow and develop.   It was fun to hear him talk about everything; he was prolific!

When Jeremy was born, though, my heart opened in a way I did not quite understand; I started to see with my soul, my emotion; to replace my common ocular experience with a depth I did not yet understand.  My heart became so full of joy; explosive, raging, constantly aware that by the time he was five,   my heart was  my leading ocular device.

When you see with your heart, you feel joy at the smallest detail which may be easily missed by your eyes.  Your heart adds the emotional quotient each time which is like "smellorama" or some such device enhancing the quality of your visual experience. 

Of course, there are a few disadvantages to heart sight:  you feel more of everything but your memories are more vivid and permanent this way. 

Your eyes have learned to ignore so much of life; they are mere catalogers of your daily experience but your heart etches the encounter into your permanent emotional memory where it is stored for display for the remainder of your life. 

Your joys are brighter and your sadness may be more difficult to withstand at times but the value of human life etching is essential to personal growth and in maintaining your “humanness” and joy throughout your life despite the challenges thrown your way.

So I say, see with your heart…you’ll say "thanks for the permanently etched memories."

Is Grief a form of happiness?

As most of you know, my son died from cancer recently.   As a result, I am grieving and on some days I’m great and others not so.  Grief is a personal experience and is different for each and every one of us.  In our American culture, we honestly don’t know what to do with grief and so we hide behind platitudes and useless expressions of condolences without really understanding the true nature of the grieving process.

When I see people or speak with them on the phone, I find that they don’t know what to say.  I understand this as I have had the same experience as a friend of a grieving one.

I have several observations that I would like to share.  First and foremost, when you don’t know what to say, that is a sign to listen to the other person.  Some of us who are grieving need to talk, to remember; to think about our recently lost loved one.  We know you don’t want to hear any gruesome details about the end of our loved one’s life and, in fact, we don’t want to share these as well.

So many people have a need to tell me their stories and that is natural as well although I, personally, am not ready for anyone’s else’s death stories as I am too deeply engrossed in my own reality. Still there are others who feel the need to tell me how much worse it’ll be in the years to come.  Is this really something you want or need to say to me?  Do I need to have more dread of the future?  To be honest, the future does not scare me and I know, for me, it will not get worse; there is no worse for me to experience in my life.  The loss of child is the unhappiest experience with no bottom to the pit of despair; but I choose to be immersed in my positive memories and private joys of my life with him instead.

Others are afraid of talking to me at all so they change the subject as quickly as possible.  Still others are squeamish and perhaps the word “cancer” sets them to fear and distress and they don’t want to share with the grieving person. I, myself, cannot listen to a cancer commercial (and there are loads of them on TV) so I mute the TV and I guess that is normal.

Some people are afraid to share their joys, grandchildren stories or just family stories.  I love hearing about your families and how wonderful your lives are.  I am not jealous of your lives or personal joys and I ask you all to tell me every detail with a broad smile and enthusiasm.

So what do I want from my friends and family?  I like to remember my son as a vibrant, intelligent, and much loved individual; one whom was famous or infamous for his fast talking; fast eating; life that amazed so many.  I enjoy thinking of him as a child, a teen, and an adult.  I enjoy remembering some of our fights, our laughs, and our average days together.  Most of my memories are of Jeremy ages 0-21 since that is the range of time we lived together (if you count college as living together).

My memories are beautiful, vivid and distinct and bring a smile and a few tears to my eyes.  I enjoy celebrating who he was to me and to others.  I love hearing from his friends who tell me about their distinct memories.  Everyday is an “Our Town” day for me striving to recollect the most insignificant day and enjoy that day as a perfect memory.  So if you don’t know what to say, just listen… and let me share my beautiful son with you.

What’s in a name? What’s in a number? Here are ten thoughts I have about growing older and maybe wiser…

I am sixty-two….62….6 decades plus two more years but what does that mean?  Numbers are supposed to add up but how does age equivocate to life passage? Well I am not sure about the full definition because I have learned to count my years in terms of learning rather than time travel.

What have I learned so far? 

Number one:  Well, I am not always right; this was a tough one for me cause I balanced my days on being right and now I know the truth, I am sometimes wrong.  Well this is not really a big discovery but I have been fighting it for decades and now I have come to peace with it.

Number two:  the older I get, the more I feel:  tired, a little arthritic, a little less likely to get up and exercise, and a little less “get up and go.”  I assume my body is a little tired so I read more; in fact, I read a lot and that’s a good thing;  “Game of Thrones”, anyone?

Number three:  I don’t hear my mother’s voice in my head.  I hear all these women say that they do but I don’t, does that make me different or not the norm?  Guess what, I don’t care.

Number four:  I care less and less and less what other people think of me or anything for that matter.  I leave others to their own thoughts and definitions of life; I like mine; it’s easier not to care of others and their persnickety ways.  (Not my mother’s word in case you were wondering).

Number five:  I have rid myself of those others who burden my life.  I am not “everyone’s cup of tea” (my mother did say this but so did everyone in her time) and so I leave those others who don’t care for me to themselves to stew and talk about each other without me.  I assume it makes them happier and me a lot happier.

Number six:  I love my son more than I love any other person and I think that is how it should be.

Number seven:  I accept my mistakes and move on and I mean move on.  So what if I had not lived my life perfectly (have you or anyone else?)  I just don’t feel its necessary to relive or review my imperfections.

Number eight:  Sunny days are better than rainy ones and there are always more sunny days than rainy ones; I haven’t actually counted but I think I am right about this so if it’s raining, wait the sun will come back.  Patience is a virtue worth cultivating.

Number nine:  I like certain activities:  writing, riding my bike, being with Joe, seeing my friends, looking at happy pictures of my past, playing with The Zeff, reading, and driving to the beach so I think I am going to do more of these and less of other things.

Number ten:  I prefer foods that taste good, that are good for me, and ones that may actually prolong my life because I love living regardless of the pain or anxiety that life may direct my way; remember rule number eight; the sun will shine again and if not, I hear you can buy a special lamp that gives you the equivalent of pure sunshine.

Be happy, be sunny, and do what you like in life that makes you happy; don’t wait until you are 62….

Mother's Day....my favorite day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!

My son lives on the west coast and many people say, “Don’t you miss him since he lives so far away?  Giving this much thought, I say, “No” because I see my son everyday and everywhere.

I see him in the affectionate smiles of a pregnant woman as she rubs her belly unconsciously. 

I see him in the sparkling eyes of an infant who stares at his mother in church. 

I hear my son’s voice in the unmistakable babbling of “da da da” as a child reaches for a toy in the supermarket aisle.

I see my son in the morning sunlight and can distinctly hear him on my side of the bed saying, “Come on mom let’s play and be quiet cause we don’t want to wake dad.”

I see my son playing at the beach with a serious look on his face as he piles wet sand into his bucket attempting the architecture of a lifetime.

I see my son catching leaves in the backyard; making up some complicated game and talking quietly to himself.

I see my son going on his first date with trepidation and excitement.

I see my son staring at the evening sky waiting for a meteor with patience and enthusiasm.

I see my son escaping high school with his mother for a Star Trek movie.

I see my son in every skateboarder that goes by.

I see my son in London, Paris, Greece, Turkey and Costa Rica and, most importantly, in our backyard.

I see my son in every handsome young face unblemished by life’s trials.

I see my son as a man; good, wise, and reverent to all.

I see my son as a husband, caring and loving with eyes of admiration for his wife.

I see my son everywhere in all that is good and kind.  I don’t miss my son because he is far away; I have him with me everyday and always.

Emotional playout...are we having fun yet?

What is emotional playout?  This is a not so rare condition that allows couples, partners, friends, and family members to “share” their stressors with you.  Close personal relationships create emotional bonds between and among people allowing the screen of pretension to come down and therefore allowing the furnace of emotion to open with no filters, sometimes full blast.

When we agree to have real relationships with people as compared to superficial ones, we open up a bond that brings down the walls of the protection that we normally reserve for most people in our lives. We open the gates freely and allow all of their Trojan horses to enter without compunction.  We accept the baggage, even welcome to the chance sometime to alleviate their stressors by absorbing them in the name of sharing.

Life’s most potent stressors (the ones that cause life limitation like marriage, divorce, moving, death in the family) are embraced for the sake of our human relations. This is one of the strengths of our humanity; the true sharing of responsibilities; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

What we have to learn to do though is not to adopt the stressors and make them our own.  We need to release ourselves of owning the responsibilities but act more as a sounding board that reflects the stressor and one that doesn’t adopt it instead.   Because if we own the adopted stressor, who will we give it to in return?  And, this I perceive, is the cause of many a repeated argument between and among our personals.  You gave me this stressor and now that I am stressed, I return the favor and the original stressor gets piggybacked on the new one and so on.  These stressors also have a way of popping up at regular intervals as a reminder of the previous stressor and then, folks, we have simply an argument and we have lost the ability to act as a support mechanism…

Relationships require seesawing so that when I am up, I can allow you to bring me back to even with your stressor and vice versa.  When I am down, don’t keep me there by piling more weight on top or else I cannot be there as the shock absorber you truly need.  We all want great relationships with our friends, family and significant others; this can only happen with some fair play, don’t you agree?

I forgive you...

I forgive you; these are difficult words for many people.  What does it take to forgive someone?  Most of us just gloss over the issue and pretend that everything is all right even though we don’t utter these words. That’s okay since our forgiveness is in our actions rather than our words…but what of those individuals who cannot or will not forgive?

I have lived long enough to know that forgiveness is more about the person who was hurt rather than the act itself but the pain caused by a hurt lingers and remains as long as forgiveness is not allowed.  Our resistance to forgiveness hurts us more than the transgressor always.  It impairs our personal vision and colors our daily lives; it takes energy to resist forgiveness since that is the normal state of peace in our personal humanity; it acts as a burr in our thoughts; often demanding more energy from our souls.

I have learned to forgive and it has taken some strength to do so.  Having had a few controlling experiences that consumed me in my life; I have had to let go of these issues and move on.  This is a skill worth developing.

Before I was able to forgive, I tried to block the person and situation from my thoughts…impossible.  I was consumed by anger and distress and as those who know my life story might agree, I had the right to be angry.  But what did it do to me?

When you watch “The Wizard of Oz” you are told that bad or angry witches are ugly and good witches are beautiful (although Glenda didn’t really rate as beautiful in my opinion she just had a nicer outfit.)  But there is some truth to this reasoning…anger makes you ugly inside if not outside as well; it scorches your feelings and dulls the mind.  So if this is true, why can’t we just forgive?

Forgiveness is not about saying what the transgressor did was okay, it’s about lessening the power this hurt has over you. So I have allowed myself to forgive me for holding onto the negative power so long…

I guess forgiveness begins with me.

Love is a mystery to me...

Love is a mystery to me; do we love to be loved back? Do we love so that breathing is easier? Is loving a natural event for everyone or only those special selective few we see in the movies?

Loving seems obvious when you witness it but is it?  Do we really understand why people cling together in emotional attachment?  And more importantly, do we really know what love feels like when we do have it? Is it too ethereal for us to feel and touch like the brush of a light wind across your cheek?

It’s difficult to love someone with all of his or her “personality” and uniqueness (and we all have our own specialness that may make us more difficult to love.) We can clearly become infatuated with someone for a variety of reasons but when that infatuation fades, what is left?  Is that love or do we merely cling together because we need to be needed?

I believe that love and need are inseparable and, in fact, may drive many a relationship together or apart; some of your needs have to match, even if nothing else does. 

A bad relationship is like a bad hairdo; it may look fine on someone else; it may only look good when someone else does it for you but when left to your own devices, you just cannot make it look the same and so you are left with a broken smile that’s hard to fix.

Relationships and love are a lot of work.  There are no easy, natural relationships.  Human beings are difficult, self centered, and damaged from years of wear and tear.  They have secret desires they never tell anyone but themselves for fear of being too vulnerable; too exposed; too open.

I know that I want an honest relationship; one that is exposed, vulnerable and dangerous, yes dangerous because once you open that secret door to yourself, it can never be closed.

I have learned something very important, that loving yourself is the key to a successful relationship.  It is the primary reason most people cannot thrive in a relationship.  Did anyone ever teach you how to love yourself first? I wasn’t taught this and it has taken me a lifetime to discover.

If you don’t give yourself the real opportunity to love yourself as you are then you are missing the most important opportunity for love in your life; accept yourself, express joy in who you are (stop worrying about who or what you aren’t); at least take off your mask and expose yourself to you and realize that you’re not so bad; that you deserve to be loved; that you are not an imposition on life and others.  Everyone will not love you, in fact few people really do but let those that try to love you see the real you, warts and all and just maybe you’ll find love in cinemascope.