The
older I get, the more I realize that life is full of ambiguity and mystery; a
carnival ride with short thrills filled with fleeting opportunities to reflect and
where spiraling out of control is natural and periodic but still unexpected.
As
I age, I find that I have become someone I don’t recognize but I’m not sure
that is bad at all. I thought I was a
teacher all my life but I am learning that being a student is more relevant to
me now as an identity factor.
I
am an observer and I am a passenger not the driver and now I realize I never
was. I watch people a lot more as I
realize that my life is on a collision course with mortality and reality, each
one fighting for dominance.
My
first real identity passion in life was in being a mother to my son whom I love
dearly and always will but now, with the changing reality, I have to redefine
what it means to be a mother to him.
I
have a great role model for an older mother and her name is Rose. She is 87 and has aged gracefully. I think her best attribute, and there are
many, is her ability to be a shock absorber for her family. She has learned long ago that there are no
controls on her vehicle of life and accepts whatever comes her way in such a
dignified manner.
Yesterday
she told me how happy she is to clean, cook, and arise to greet each day. I was a bit moody and immediately felt ashamed
of my attitude. She was trying to teach me that time is so wasted on negativity
and bad thoughts in general and that everything would simply turn out all right
in the end.
My
son was recently diagnosed with cancer and then got married and then told me I
needed to redefine my relationship with him. I was hurt and confused; wouldn’t
I always be his mother, the one who would run defense for him; teach him about
life; be the one…
But
now I have entered the next phase of motherhood which involves a lot of waiting
and understanding. Now I am just another person in his very busy life and
although he clearly loves me, I am not the one…
In
the movie, The Matrix, everything that appeared to be was not what it
seemed and when faced with this reality challenge, Neo had a near mental collapse and heart attack getting used to the substantial
change in his reality. That’s how I
feel. My reality is no longer in touch
with my brain. Suddenly a newly constructed
one has replaced what I formerly thought was real and I am spiraling while I
try to adjust.
As
I look into the mirror, I am starting to get used to the face that glances back
at me; this older woman who sometimes is gentle and sympathetic to the younger
memory locked in our brain. She smiles
knowingly that I will have to join her in our newer reality and is waiting
patiently for me to learn how to navigate in this new world of ours.
I
am learning but it is difficult and emotional.
I am lucky that I have a partner in my journey, Joe, who also has his
feet in the same changing and challenging river. Each step we take, though,
erases our previous ones and thus our challenges are more so in the process.
I
hope to be like Rose someday: the dignified supporting role of the wise and
loving mother; here’s hoping I can.
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