Intimate conversations just aren’t the same after age 60 or are they?

I suppose it’s a good thing that we can talk about our private and personal feelings as we do.  I mean isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be in an intimate relationship?

But what once was the focus of love and tender reminiscences has respectfully been replaced more with personal bodily functions than intimate dreams for the future.  Sharing after age 60 is different but still respectable and important.

All of my bodily functions seem to be evolving at this age but since this is the first time I’ve been 60; it’s really nice to have a partner in life who is 61 and who can pave the way for me in understanding my life changes.

I am an avid exerciser and former runner as you may recall.  I am just amazed though that my body is no longer reacting as it used to.  Yes, I can get very stimulated  by the endorphins supplied through exercise but instead of being so upbeat for hours afterward,  I find I am tired, yes tired, even though I have severely cut down both my mileage and the intensity of the workout.

I look forward to the possibility of regular bowel movements as a part of my daily routine (who would have thought that this would be true) and we consider it a victory when we are both regular.  We even have pet names for the descriptions of our daily movements including a PPP or a “picture perfect poop” which is an excellent the way to start the day for sure.

This is not to say that we don’t celebrate the “other” aspects that a man and woman should share and we do but the spectrum of intrapersonal sharing has just changed so we can navigate this new phase of life together. 

It’s nice to know that I can ask him anything and he will give me an honest answer (even if I would like a sugar coated one instead.)  I do have the sense to stay away from the dangerous questions like, “do I look fat in this?”  do I look fat at all?” “is this the right thing to spend money on?”   These questions are not about intimacy but insecurity and we tend to be too honest with each other to wonder what the other thinks about foolish questions like that.  We reserve our questions for more important life changing ones like: “do I look as old as her?” “are my arms too flabby to wear this sleeveless top” or my favorite, “do you know where my phone is?”

One of the most important intimacies at our age that is not sexual or sensual is the one where we are not afraid to share our inner fears.  We know each other well and it is more than comforting to share your inner fears about how much we have forgotten as compared with what we used to know; how much weaker we feel than we used to, and how comforting it is to know that we’re not alone in this process.  Having someone to really share with and who looks forward to seeing you each morning is the key and I look forward to each sunrise because of him and our ability to share truthfully and tenderly.

Words with friends or foes?

I have succumbed to the popular game Words with Friends. It’s an interesting pastime.  It represents an opportunity to exercise our brains and to connect with friends and some non-friends (if you play random games). What’s most interesting is the cheating factor that comes into play...

We all know that some people cheat in all aspects of life but in such an insipid game as this, why? What are the signs of a cheater?  Cheaters come up consistently with non-words that the game seems to accept but the dictionary doesn’t.  They strategize and wait for that triple word space to become vacant so they can pounce on it with one of their boutique words that no one ever heard of in any conversation. They suddenly become brilliant with words such as “sixmos” which has an obscure reference in our current world.

What alarms me is my own feeling of having to teach the cheaters a lesson.  Why do I care?  Do they really appear smarter than me or is it just my competitive ego that takes over?  And what happens when the cheater realizes that you know she/he is cheating?  Don’t you just hate it when they resign or decide they are no longer interested in playing because they are bored with the game especially when secretly you find they still play with others...

Words’ cheaters are an interesting breed.  Why bother to play at all if you have to use a crutch constantly.  I was faced with an interesting dilemma: a close friend clearly cheated with a complex cheating program. How did I know?  Well when you know people, you have an idea of their vocabulary usage (former English teacher here). When I started seeing words of the “sixmos” variety, I was unsure how to proceed.  My friend told me that she was probably using an extensive cheat machine so I trolled the net looking for one.  To my surprise there were dozens of cheat programs.  Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of the whole reason for playing at all? Is this how we expand our vocabulary?

I picked one of the programs (which requires you to put in all of the letters used on a sample board and then to establish what kind of cheater you want to be from HS graduate to genius.  Of course I picked genius to see the best option. When we began to play with this cheat program together, he/she abruptly resigned. I have to be careful, she/he might read this.

I lose a lot of games but I win probably an equal amount.  There are people I play with whom I have never been able to beat and there are people I beat regularly. It doesn’t really matter to me if I win or lose; I just like trying to make inane words from bad letters (my chief complaint is I don’t get the good letters Ha). On occasion, I use the chat feature in the game to make an astute remark to my challenger like,” you get all of the best letters and I’m stuck with 7 vowels.)  I guess it is as with all games; to some it’s more about winning than playing.

Would you pick up a penny on the street?

Is the entire world of buy and sell today negotiable? Or is there just an ignorant conspiracy that just doesn’t care and if you don’t challenge it, you lose.

I find that I can no longer stop myself from reading purchase receipts.  I have watched others, mostly seniors on fixed incomes, do this for years.  Some mistakes seem to be penny bag types while others are egregious errors. 

Don’t know what a penny bag is?  When I was much younger and a new principal, I was told about the penny bag concept by a retired finance person.  She explained that the monies collected in a school on a daily basis never seemed to come out right so she kept a penny bag to add or subtract from the daily totals to make sure things (the bottom line) were correct.  This was shocking to me and I was happy that she was retired because isn’t the bottom line, the bottom line?  Doesn’t my checkbook always have to be exact?

We have raised a group of money collectors, credit card chargers, who cannot add, are too lazy to care, or rely too heavily on the machines in front of them to even “think” in any way.  The first shock came many years ago when McDonalds changed all of their registers to pictograms of the food without word identifiers.  It was their expectation that someone who applied and worked at McDonalds could not read or make change.  The problem is they were right to remove this thinking requirement from their staff.

What have we done to the current generation?  Considering the fact that this type of slippage in the education system was orchestrated by our generation, who is to blame?

I prefer to scan my own food at the checkout because I can watch the prices more carefully but who sets up the scanner and am I fooling myself that this is better?  Who calibrates the scale upon which I place my fruit? Who sets the codes for the bar reader?

We are in trouble and unless we challenge purchases on a regular basis, we lose money everyday.  I often resented the people in the line ahead of me who challenged something and then we all waited while the blinking light had to be reset to correct some small error, or so I thought.

It’s not just about the money but, to me, today, it’s more about the deterioration of our society; the educational deficiencies noticed on a daily basis.  And responsibility for this deficiency, what of that? I would have been mortified as a teenager if I gave the wrong change and I had to calculate it in my head. This generation just looks back at you with a blank stare not even understanding the value of the money you’re discussing.

I have moved recently and so I am stimulating the economy. I have purchased a number of items that needed to be returned.  The return was no problem in any of the stores I frequented, no questions asked.  But when I tried to explain that there was a qualitative problem with the item and I was returning it for a very specific reason; I received a blank “I don’t really care” stare and an unfeeling, sign this receipt look.

So I say to you all, challenge each receipt, hold the stores and their employees to task, or you may be told that your bill is more than it should be.  Maybe if we hold them accountable, things will change???

Happiness One Day at a time: I think I am becoming a state park geek…

Happiness One Day at a time: I think I am becoming a state park geek…: For the past few days, I have been visiting various state parks on Long Island and examining the wealth of opportunity offered by these st...

I think I am becoming a state park geek…

For the past few days, I have been visiting various state parks on Long Island and examining the wealth of opportunity offered by these striking outdoor spaces. The rationale that I offer for this new found love of state environments relates to the fact that I once was a runner. My knees are not what they used to be and instead of running, I now have to walk.  The audacity of it all!

If I have to walk then I want to have the nicest surroundings I can find and I am not averse to spending a little (a lot) of money on gas to get to a picturesque place to do my cardio.

What I did not realize is that there are so many offerings near my New York home and they are beautiful, free with my NY Passport pass, and have so many different venues; enough to satisfy my every whim I think for visual stimuli to support the indignant aspects of the walking issue.

The first thing I did was to download the app for my iPhone.  It’s called “Oh Ranger!  NY State Parks”.  Surprisingly it’s an excellent app and serves the purpose of any park visitor.  I can quantify and qualify my park visits by numerous factors including but not limited to hiking, biking, water views, shaded trails, etc.

I clearly prefer parks that have water views like the Great Bay, the Long Island Sound and more.  I also like parks that allow pets so I have options, many options.

I have decided that since I am a walker that I needed to beef up my “walk” to make it more enjoyable.  Even though the surroundings are fabulous, I need more incentive to get out there each day.  I have loaded a specific music selection on my iPhone that encourages walking rather than running and I wear shoes that also encourage walking rather than running but what I really have found most agreeable about these newly orchestrated exercise units is how I walk.  I sing (very loudly and probably very badly) and I dance rather than just walk.  Sometimes I strut like I did when I was a high school majorette.  I can tell that the people that pass me are amused at my unusual cardio experience but they are all smiling and waving at me (even from their cars).

Now you might think this is bothersome to me to be so recognized during the privacy of my exercise routine but, in fact, it has the opposite effect and makes me even more enthusiastic.  My dancing has gotten better since I usually listen to Santana and my signing, well, that won’t get better but I sing along to Frank Sinatra favorites. The combination of music, dance, and beautiful surroundings really brighten my day and keep me healthy. 

One final note on this issue of cardio activity; when I do my search for the park I wish to visit, I also look for the nearest outlet or strip mall that has some of my favorite stores.  If I am not too sweaty or poor, I go right to the mall for some retail therapy to complete my well rounded day.  The interesting thing is I actually buy less and browse more all the while still humming some of my favorite Sinatra tunes.  So I guess you’d say that while tightening my abs, I also seem to be tightening my wallet simultaneously.  Who could ask for more?

I am locked in the matrix...

The older I get, the more I realize that life is full of ambiguity and mystery; a carnival ride with short thrills filled with fleeting opportunities to reflect and where spiraling out of control is natural and periodic but still unexpected.

As I age, I find that I have become someone I don’t recognize but I’m not sure that is bad at all.  I thought I was a teacher all my life but I am learning that being a student is more relevant to me now as an identity factor.

I am an observer and I am a passenger not the driver and now I realize I never was.  I watch people a lot more as I realize that my life is on a collision course with mortality and reality, each one fighting for dominance.

My first real identity passion in life was in being a mother to my son whom I love dearly and always will but now, with the changing reality, I have to redefine what it means to be a mother to him. 

I have a great role model for an older mother and her name is Rose.  She is 87 and has aged gracefully.  I think her best attribute, and there are many, is her ability to be a shock absorber for her family.  She has learned long ago that there are no controls on her vehicle of life and accepts whatever comes her way in such a dignified manner.

Yesterday she told me how happy she is to clean, cook, and arise to greet each day.  I was a bit moody and immediately felt ashamed of my attitude. She was trying to teach me that time is so wasted on negativity and bad thoughts in general and that everything would simply turn out all right in the end.

My son was recently diagnosed with cancer and then got married and then told me I needed to redefine my relationship with him. I was hurt and confused; wouldn’t I always be his mother, the one who would run defense for him; teach him about life; be the one…

But now I have entered the next phase of motherhood which involves a lot of waiting and understanding. Now I am just another person in his very busy life and although he clearly loves me, I am not the one…

In the movie, The Matrix, everything that appeared to be was not what it seemed and when faced with this reality challenge, Neo had a near mental collapse and heart attack getting used to the substantial change in his reality.  That’s how I feel.  My reality is no longer in touch with my brain.  Suddenly a newly constructed one has replaced what I formerly thought was real and I am spiraling while I try to adjust.

As I look into the mirror, I am starting to get used to the face that glances back at me; this older woman who sometimes is gentle and sympathetic to the younger memory locked in our brain.  She smiles knowingly that I will have to join her in our newer reality and is waiting patiently for me to learn how to navigate in this new world of ours.

I am learning but it is difficult and emotional.  I am lucky that I have a partner in my journey, Joe, who also has his feet in the same changing and challenging river. Each step we take, though, erases our previous ones and thus our challenges are more so in the process.

I hope to be like Rose someday: the dignified supporting role of the wise and loving mother; here’s hoping I can.

Day 76: All’s Well That End’s Well

Ok, I know, I’ve been in cognito for a while.  It’s been a very bad stretch for me personally so no happiness to write about until today.  This week was a terrible two week period capped off by my purse being stolen with a large amount of cash and all my personal identification and credit cards. I am a little shell shocked right now and in the process of recovering so…hang in there with me.

Whenever I get into a situation like this: love, life and personal safety fleeting, I stop and look a little like a deer in headlights; then I act.  Being in my “professional mode” I start to address the concerns and make my needed improvements.  I think the loss of my purse helped this in an odd way because it was the easiest to address and started me acting rather than simply lamenting.

Ordering the new credit cards is easier than ever.  The DMV issues were more challenging but the bottom line is people were so nice in assisting me.  There was a lot of “sharing of difficult stories” between me and my helpers. There was excellent support, better than mere sympathy, in fact, people have been fabulous!

The restaurant where the purse was stolen offered a free lunch to anyone with information. The UPS man even shared a sympathetic mode when he delivered my new cards overnight I might add. In general, everyone has been helpful, supportive, and wonderful in giving me advice about getting the business of re-identifying myself accomplished.

My life is healing and all things are falling into place slowly and carefully.  My love life is curing and returning to normal with everyone in place but in a cautious manner. 

It’s funny that the crescendo to a horrible two weeks was the impetus for me getting my life back and in order?  God never sends you a challenge that you cannot handle…